"Have a Happy Period."
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Thread: "Have a Happy Period."

  1. #1
    BC Riders.net Array LegalAlien's Avatar
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    Apr 2005
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    "Have a Happy Period."

    Letter to the manufacturers of 'Always' Sanitary Napkins:

    Dear Mr. Thatcher,

    I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and
    I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
    Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
    salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
    beach in tight, white shorts.

    But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
    Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
    is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure
    I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
    "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
    starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
    violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
    body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
    call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
    quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
    monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the
    bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
    swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize
    it's a tough time for most women.

    In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to
    shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
    because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
    crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to
    the reason for my letter.

    Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
    reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
    maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
    "Have a Happy Period." Are you fucking kidding me?

    What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
    think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during
    a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
    pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of
    sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day
    in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock
    yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
    Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
    a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
    something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
    "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
    immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
    chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
    certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
    brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep .. Always.

    Best wishes,
    Wendi Aarons
    "Teach me to do it myself" Dr. Maria Montessori (1870-1952)

    BCSB # 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937. ..

  2. #2
    BCSB Public Relations Array kerunt's Avatar
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    The ending is the best... nicely done!
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  3. #3
    Happy Camper Array BlackScorpion's Avatar
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    Hey, you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow disease" was already taken...

    Oh booo. I know. I know.

    Shouldn't this be in the Women's forum? I don't want to know what goes on with women "down there".
    Team Troll
    "Happy New Ear!" - Mike Tyson.

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