1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2.. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers ... and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I
can't help wonder ... What the hell was I thinking?

6. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you ...
Have such an ugly baby?

8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life ...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

12. Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... Almost Lifelike!

14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

15. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

16. We have been friends for a very long time ... what say we stop?

17. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

18. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you terribly and think
of you often.

20. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.

21. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in KANSAS,
Arkansas, and Kentucky)