So, I'm a single, classy, well-educated, professional, in shape, cool woman... I'm dating and on the somewhat rare occasions when I meet somebody cool... someone I connect to and have chemistry with... I have sex. Here are some observations and tips for you guys from a somewhat sexually frustrated woman:
1) Condoms are a must... wear it and shut the fuck up about it. I haven't had sex without one in over 10 years and I deal with it, so can you. Your shit is just not great enough for me to even consider having that kind of trust with you, especially the first few times we hook up. I mean, seriously. Yes I know it feels better and it's hard (no pun intended) for you to cum when you're wearing one. That just means you're not working hard enough for the orgasm... you're lazy. Get in there and work it out, dammit. Others have been successful and so can you. Which leads me to #2...
2) You put a condom on and your shit just goes limp. You have a hot-ass girl wanting your dick inside her... you see her there laying in front of you, looking at you with "that look," and you can't get hard? Again, put some heart into it. You inevitably say, "I hate these things." I don't care. Stop thinking about the fucking condom and make it work. Seriously.
3) You're in the zone, working it out... good shit. But I say, "Hold on, can I get some KY real quick?" Stop getting pissed off and/or offended... You say, "How come you're not wet?" Um, I am, or I was, but after a good amount of time, rubber dries, which contributes to me drying out, and it fucking hurts. I WANT you to keep fucking me... I just want to get some fucking lube. I have your best interests at heart too, believe me. A little bit of lube never hurt anybody.
4) Sometimes I just want the dick... I don't want oral sex. It's not that you're bad or good at it, I'm just not in the mood... I just want your cock. Just an FYI.
5) It takes me a good amount of time to cum... it just does. Believe me... if I want you to stop, you'll know it. If I don't say anything or push you the fuck off me, just keep going. Pay attention to my facial expressions (open mouth, no sound coming out, but it looks like I'm screaming = good)... my feet (when my toes start to curl, keep doing whatever you're doing)... my hands and fingers and grip (if I'm kind of holding your hips at a certain angle... follow my lead).
6) Go ahead... grip me up a little (but, there is a fine line... don't cross it). Grab my hair... grab the back of my head... make me feel hot and wanted... it's fucking hot and I love it. Start gently and see what happens...
7) Reverse cowgirl just doesn't work for everybody. It's not my thing.
8) Tell me how good I feel... sigh... make a little noise. I don't need to hear you roaring like a T.Rex or anything, but don't be mute. It's unnerving.
9) Make me look at you... tell me to open my eyes. But don't stare like you're going to drill holes through my head. I sometimes get lost in my own little pleasure world and forget to look at you and watch what you're doing to me. Remind me.
10) Boobs can be sensitive at different times of the month... just know that and approach accordingly. I'll usually let you know ahead of time if I'm sore. Try to remember.
11) Don't forget about the neck and ears during sex. That's when I'm sometimes the most sensitive and it feels amazing having you that close.
12) Funny noises are going to happen... I might laugh out of minor embarassment and because it's just funny. It's okay, you can laugh too. I'm not laughing at you and I'm sorry if it feels that way.
13) Don't just jam anything into my ass all random-like. That should be self-evident, but apparently it's not. That's just not cool.
14) I don't get the finger-licking thing... especially when you just all up and stick your nasty fingers in my mouth.
15) Having sex when you're high is one of the best things ever. Just had to say that.
16) When you start to put your dick inside me for the first time, take that shit slow. Make me ache for it... put the head in slowly and leave it there for a second. Make me lift my hips up and beg for it. Know that at that point, you are in control and we like it. Or at least I do. I want you to understand how good it feels... relish the moment.
17) Tell me I'm beautiful and that you love my body at least once... This is especially effective when I'm in a weird position where my stomach looks fucking insane from my angle and who knows what it looks like to you. I work out. I'm pretty tight. I can kick some cardio ass. But damn, some positions just make me look crazy.
18) Nothing gets me hotter than getting a massage, lying on my stomach... and then having you lie down on top of me, putting your head into my neck and nuzzling my ear, gently but confidently wedging my legs apart with your knee and pressing your throbbing hard cock against my ass... I'm toast.
19) I think about sex just as much as you do, maybe more. I watch porn. I masturbate. I like to have sex... I'm careful and cautious and I have no problem asking you if you've ever been tested. If you say, "Yeah... a few years ago," I'm going to be disappointed. Don't be offended or pissy that I asked you that. I would expect you to ask me the same thing. If you don't ask me back, I think that's a little odd. On that note, if I ask you to check the condom once or twice during sex, just do it. I'm paranoid, but I'm also 31, never been pregnant, and never had an STD. So...
20) Don't leave a condom for me to find (or my cat... or my mom who volunteered to clean my house while waiting for me to come home from work one day). You're usually in charge of the disposal.
Sigh... that felt good.