5-pin: Bowling game that has a smaller ball and only five pins. Commonly played by children and drunks.
Aboot: How some of us say ‘about.’ As in ‘no dout aboot it, eh?’
Back bacon: A cut of meat from the back of pork loin as opposed to normal bacon cut from the belly. Americans refer to this as “Canadian bacon” and are unnaturally excited when it shows up on their pizza.
Big Smoke: A slightly derogatory term for ‘Toronto,’ referencing the smog. Also called Tarahna by people from Toronto. Say it like a New Yowkah. They think they’re from New York anyhow.
Block Heater: No, it’s not a gun. It’s an electric heater installed in the engine block of every vehicle in Canada that keeps the engine oil from turning into maple syrup during our notoriously awesome winters.
Bud (BC): Our world famous Ghanja. If you smoke and you don’t know what B.C. Bud is, you’re probably smoking skunk weed or oregano.
Bunny Hug: a term used by people in Saskatchewan to describe what the rest of the known world calls a ‘hoodie’. No one has any idea where this term came from, or why they insist on using it, but there it is.
Editor’s note: It has to do with our proclivity for procreating like rabbits during the winter months and, thereby, not being able to remove our “hoodies.” -Admin
Butter Tart: A delicious little pastry we invented and then promptly shipped south, which is why we’re smaller than you on average. You’re welcome.
C.C.: Canadian Club, our home grown Rye (whiskey). Canadians don’t drink it, unless we can’t afford Crown Royal (which is also ours).
C.S.I.S.: Canadian Security Intelligence Service. Sorta like your C.I.A., but more polite and with less water boarding. They’re currently hunting us down for letting out all of our secrets.
Canadian Eloquents: At least the ones we could think of. Feel free to drop us a line if we’ve missed you and we’ll add you to our list. Their Pajiba handles are admin, celery, Eyvi, popejenn, Jeremy Feist, Kelly, lordhelmet, meaux, Michael Murray, Ranlyt, becks, Mrs. Admin, Park, Replica, and Xtreme.
Canadian Tire Money: Fake money you earn when you spend real money at a big retail hardware store called “Canadian Tire.” You can then use the Canadian Tire money to buy fancy tools you’ll never use.
CanCon: Short for Canadian Content. Our radio stations are required to air at least 35 percent Canadian Content per week, and our T.V. stations must air 60 percent CanCon. Otherwise the Government will garnish their monthly stipends of Maple Syrup.
Chesterfield: Sometimes covered in plastic, this term is used for couch or sofa. A term used mostly by our grandmas.
Clicks: Slang term for kilometers. One example would be “It’s only eighty clicks to Dildo from here, eh?”
Cow Town: Derogatory term for Calgary, Alberta. Calgary fancies itself the Dallas, Texas of the north. They’re not.
Cuban Cigars: The best cigars on the planet, and we can smoke them legally. Also, we can fly direct to Cuba. Any. Time. We. Want. (What? Obama is going to fix that too? Damn him!)
Dildo: The name of a small settlement in Newfoundland, Dildo is likely the #1 sign that tourists have their picture taken in front of in all of Canada, even though the population is just over 200 people. Fun Factoid: Dildo is 81.6 Kilometers from a darling little village called “Come by Chance”. We can’t make this shit up, people.
Double-Double: The greatest non-alcoholic drink ever invented, for anyone who enjoys good coffee. Fuck you, Starbucks. We have Tim Horton’s.
Eh?: The best way to end a sentence as a question, eh? Even if you don’t want an answer. So, like, take off, eh? (That means go away).
Frozen Beaver: Many, many different meanings. In British Columbia, it’s the name of a drink; in Manitoba, it’s a term that means ‘you ain’t gettin’ any, eh?’
Ginch/Gitch/Gonch: Men’s underwear, usually tighty whiteys, but can also refer to boxers or briefs. Not as uncomfortable as they sound, but nowhere near as good as long johns, especially in the winter.
Goin’ to the Liq: This has many variations depending on geography, but the long story short is simple: heading out to purchase/steal alcohol from a Government owned liquor store.
GST: Goods and Service Tax. A polite way for the Canadian Government to financially fuck us, the GST is a tax imposed on everything that counts as either a Good or a Service. You know, like, um, everything, eh?
Homo Milk: I was surprised to find out this was a Canadian term. No gp, it doesn’t mean that. It’s our term for whole milk. No actual Homos were milked in the making of this product.
Hoser: Used to describe someone who’s, well, a Hoser. As Bob and Doug described it, “it’s what you call your little brother when your mother is in the room”.
Hydro: What a lot of us Canucks call the power company, as back in the olden days we had water generated power supplied by companies named - wait for it - Hydro!
Igloo: A dome structure formed of snow, used by Inuit (aka Eskimo) in the far north for shelter. Also a term used by Sparkletits to refer to his wife’s vagina.
Editor’s note: They’re surprisingly warm. - Sparkletits
July 1st: Our nation’s birthday. Sort of like Independence Day, but with much less Will Smith. Our excuse to take a day off work, barbeque moose steak and drink beer while wearing red and white.
Jus’ Fuckin’ Give’n Er: an expression used to describe ‘balls out giving your all’, for lack of a better term.
Kraft Dinner: Macaroni and cheese at less than a dollar a box and 5 minutes to cook. Also known as KD or Yellow Death, it got most of us through University.
Loonie: First new coin introduced into our currency in over 100 years, it came out in 1987. The $1.00 Canadian coin has a picture of a Loonie on one side and a picture of a Common Loon on the other.
Maple Syrup: Another great food item we don’t like to share, the best Maple Syrup is (arguably) made in Quebec.
Mercy buckets: Slang term for “thank you”, derived from the French term “merci beaucoup”. Used only by drunken, idiotic Anglophones who think they’re funny.
Merde: The Franco Canucks version of ‘shit.’ Phonetic pronunciation is ‘M-AIR-DE’.
Mickey: A 375 milliliter bottle of hard alcohol. Designed to fit in your pocket for ease of sneaking into theatres and other public locations. The only problem being that it doesn’t actually fit into your pocket.
Mini Mickey: A 200 milliliter bottle of hard alcohol. This one really does fit in your pocket, but you need a dozen of them to matter.
Moose Hat: This form of hazing is too disgusting to describe. What I will say is if you’re ever drinking in the mountains of British Columbia and some scary, toothless guy hillbilly asks you if you want to wear the Moose Hat, just say no. And run. Especially if you have a pretty mouth.
Moose Milk: Served at Royal Canadian Air Force parties. Recipes vary but tend to include eggs, sugar, ice cream, maple syrup and some combination of rye, whiskey and rum. Air force personnel will offer this delicious but potent drink to unsuspecting non-military folks with hilarious results ensuing — usually ending in nudity and arrests.
Moosehead: No, it’s not like being a Scottish sheep farmer you deviants. Moosehead is a brand of beer in the Great White North. Get you minds out of the gutter, please?
Mountie: Short for Royal Canadian Mounted Police (R.C.M.P.), which was founded 90 years ago. Most Americans will relate Mounties to “Due South,” but be warned: these fuckers are not that nice. They don’t were the dorky red suit and funny hat any more. Think more like Flashpoint with Hugh Dillon. They. Will. Fuck. You. Up.
Nanook: Fearless one legged Terror of the North, leader of our 62 Polar Bear Mounted Eskimo Commandos. You do not want to mess with Nanook. He will fuck you up way worse than the Mounties.
Newfies: Our interesting cousins on the east coast, from the Province of Newfoundland and Labradour. Newfies talk like Parky’s from Snatch, drink like fish and swear like sailors. Oh, and they’re fisher-peoples. If that’s the P.C. term these days.
Ogopogo: Our less famous knock-off of the Loch-Ness Monster. He’s like that 42-year-old cousin of yours who still lives at home with his parents and ruins all the family gatherings with his questionable hygiene practices. Said to inhabit the waters of the Lake Okanagan in British Columbia despite a total lack of credible proof.
Polar Bear Fucking List: This is not a list you want to be on. It’s an annual ritual wherein we take everyone on the list and ship them to Churchill, Manitoba, to be fucked by a polar bear.
Poutine: A true Canadian delicacy, Poutine is a glorious medley of French fries, gravy and ‘squeaky’ cheese curds. Can also be topped with sour cream and bacon bits for an even larger risk of death due to congestive heart failure. It’s hard to describe the appeal of Poutine to non-Canadians but trust us - it’s worth the drive north and the risk of heart failure, even if you don’t have free health care.
Robertson: Name of a type of screwdriver bit (the square one) invented by us to annoy anyone involved in carpentry.
Roll Up the Rim to Win: A magical time of year when Tim Hortons’ coffee cups have a lip you can roll up for a chance to win free things, like T.V.s, cars, money, or a free doughnut. Usually you get fuck all, but sometimes you get a doughnut.
Screeched In / Kiss the Cod: Newfies will do this to non-Newfies as a form of hazing. They’ll get you drunk on Screech, and then convince you to kiss a dead fish. Usually a cod. What are you, slow or something?
Shreddies: Small rectangular breakfast cereal that vaguely resembles Chex. Only it tastes better. Also available in diamond shapes.
Sirop de Poteau: Fake Syrup. Try serving this to a Francophone and you’re taking your own life into your hands.
Skookum: A word used to describe something as ‘good,’ or ‘best,’ or ‘powerful’. Suggested usage: “Your mom’s cooking is skookum!” Not suggested usage: “Your mom’s ass is skookum!”
Smarties/Crispy Crunch/Coffee Crisp/Caramilk: Chocolate bars only available in Canada. They’re delicious. Send us your address, we’ll mail samples*. Also — True Smartie connoisseurs eat the red ones last.
Sparkletits: Term of endearment we use to describe our illustrious (and sparkly) leader, admin.
Supply teacher: Term used for a substitute teacher. More common in Eastern Canada. We’re not sure what exactly they supply.
Tabernac: The French Canadian version of ‘fuck.’ Say it like it looks. Say it lots.
Timbit: The greatest coffee snack invention of all time, our great Mr. Tim Horton found that you can actually sell the middle of the doughnut.
Tim Hortons: Our favourite Canadian coffee chain (think Dunkin’ Donuts), created by former hockey player Tim Horton. Where a large coffee is still less than a Toonie.
Toonie: Coolest piece of hard money ever, the Toonie is our $2.00 coin that arrived nine years after the Loonie. The original Toonie had the same picture as the Loonie on one side and polar bears fucking on the other. Honest.
Touque (also spelled Tuque or Toque): a knitted cap more commonly worn in the winter months (so from August to May if you live in Saskatchewan) to keep your ears from freezing off.
Two-Four: What we Canadians call a case of 24 bottles/cans of beer. Example: “We brought a two-four to the party and that hoser Boozehound drank the entire thing before passing out on the chesterfield eh.”
Where ya to?: A Newfie expression meaning ‘where are you?’ They really are an odd bunch.
Winter: I know, I know. You’re thinking: “Winter? We get winter too! They’re just like us!” The fuck you do. We. Get. Winter. Not this bullshit +2 Fahrenheit crap. We get boneshattering, ball busting, make you asshole heal shut COLD like most of you would never quite understand. The coldest day ever recorded in northern Canada was -63 Celsius. That’s -81.4 Fahrenheit. That’s still colder than Alaska, and Sarah Palin lives there.
Yanks: Term of endearment used to describe anyone living south of the Canadian border. We know it’s an oversimplification: we just can’t be bothered to figure it out. I mean for shit’s sake people, you’ve got more than 50 states — I think? How the fuck can we be expected to keep track of all that?
Zed: The last letter of the English alphabet, pronounced as shown. For whatever reason, people who learned the alphabet from Sesame Street prefer the sounding of Zee.