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Thread: Ouch

  1. #1
    Bad Motherfucker Array thebronze's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    On Yer Wife/GF/Mom
    Rocky Mountain, 1986 Livingroom (Aspencade)


    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 1st anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my G/F.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??


    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

    Nothing! I was disappointed.

    I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the G/F what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

    But, if I was going to give this thing to my G/F to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

    I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S. My G/F loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
    Anything You Can Do...... I Can Do Drunker
    "Growin up leads to growin old and then to dying...... And dying to Me don't sound like all that much fun"

  2. #2
    Ridin hard n dirty Array Mr.Sushi ya ha's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    3rd rock from the sun. po co.
    bunch "o" bikes

    Thats what happens! I thought holding a coil wire to make sure the bike was making a spark was a good idea ( young and dumb) well it was an in line 4 and wouldnt you know once the start button was hit the stupid bike started and I couldnt let go of the coil wire due to convulsions, Kinda like what you went through. I swear to this day the feeling in my arm is not the same as in my left.

    Didnt shit my self!
    Remembering Bill Mclean.
    Having had a colonoscopy......I have now seen where the sun don't shine......(Me)
    Cancer Sucks!!!

  3. #3
    Fuelled by rice Array racerboy88's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    lower mainland
    aren't tasers illegal up here?
    02 R1- stolen Nov 24/02

    Hang Thieves

  4. #4
    haha Nice, I brought back a taser from Thailand about ~5 years as a present for my dad. We both wanted to test it on each other/someone but never did, sounds like that was the right idea!

    But loved the story! Glad someone did it!

  5. #5
    GoPro Inspector Array FOXGURL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    LMFAO!! when you said "sitting there alone" I knew exactly what was coming, but it read funnier than I imagined! havent laughed that hard for a while LOL

  6. #6
    Formerly kanelupis Array CanaganD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    electro conductive devices, for the purpose of incapacitating or causing harm to people (read: people, cows exempt) are prohibited weapons. In the same realm of pistol crossbows, automatic weapons and concealable pistols.

    With that said, years ago when I was a kid new to internet shopping, I bought one online and it was shipped right to me! I thought that since it didn't readily set things on fire or could easily kill people that it was ok to own. Back then, google was not really my friend so I never made sure.

    Certainly during the time I owned it, I did try it on myself... once.... in the leg.

    It felt like there were threads (hundreds and hundreds) in my leg muscles and that they were all suddenly yanked. Hurt like hell.

    I didn't do it again ... and I finally sold it when I bought guns.


  7. #7
    Registered User Array se7en's Avatar
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    Mar 2002

  8. #8
    From N00bie to Wannabe Array FASTn50's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    North Vancouver
    2005 VFR 800A (Red!) 2006 CFR 450X (Red!) 2012 Ninja 250R (Red!) 2012 BMW F800GS (Blue/White)
    We silly buggers used to test our 12 year old bravado by "tasting" 9 volt batteries. Lots of fun and pretty intense but no biggie. One day discovered they had a 22.5 volt battery for sale that looked very similar to a 9 volt but the terminals were one on each end, not like a 9 volt. A nine volt is easy; just brush it across the tip of your tongue. But a battery with a terminal on each end requires one to just "pop it in your mouth". Mother of Christ, I saw GOD! And of course, because it's in your mouth and LOCKS YOUR MOUTH MUSCLES, it was extremely difficult to remove it!!! NEVER AGAIN will I do THAT little trick! It was the last time I ever shop-lifted too!

    Though I've been zapped by a few ignitions on lawnmowers, cars and bikes; I will let others such as our OP do the 100,000 volt tazer testing for me and accept their word that it was a dumb idea!
    All my Mistresses have two round, sticky black feet and are Made in Japan or Germany!
    If I die on Phillip Island, so what! I'm already in Heaven! WOOHOOO!!!

  9. #9
    Registered User Array michaelplawson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    2009 Kawasaki zx6/2002 honda f4i
    that was so funny. made my night, thank you
    2002 Honda CBR F4I
    2009 Kawasaki Ninja ZX6

  10. #10
    Registered User Array Schaden's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    3 weeks in to the year, and that could be the funniest post of 2011!! Havent laughed that hard in ages! LOL!

  11. #11
    Registered User Array
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    636 -> r6 -> on the hunt for a new one
    Ever thought of writing a book? You sure can write and that is funny shit you got there! I can picture every second just like I was there watching you make a jackass of yourself! Well done!

  12. #12
    Registered User Array bandito's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    CBR600RR / RVT1000 RC51
    CRF 230 BSA 650
    Great! Thanks for sharing that.

    EDIT: I thought it was the OP's PERSONAL story. Knowing now that it's just some internet story from years ago, kinda lame.
    Last edited by bandito; 01-22-2011 at 08:20 AM.
    Long Live Shervin Of The North!

  13. #13
    ɹǝsn pǝɹǝʇsıƃǝᴚ Array pinefresh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    10' Versys
    Haha yeah good story, I've got it in emails a couple times.

  14. #14
    This space for rent Array Stiffler's Mom's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
    2003 Yamaha R6
    Regardless of by whom or when it was written, my laughter still woke the baby up from his nap. Wiping tears from my eyes from laughing.
    - Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!!

  15. #15
    Registered User Array bandito's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    CBR600RR / RVT1000 RC51
    CRF 230 BSA 650
    Quote Originally Posted by thebronze View Post
    I originally wrote and posted this story back in 2003.....
    Ah, okay.
    Long Live Shervin Of The North!

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