A Guide to Powerbands
Before we get started on Powerbands, it is worth paying heed to the following safety facts;
Powerbands can often, double, triple or even quadruple the power output of an engine. Therefore, extreme care is required when riding a bike for the first time after fitting a new Powerband. Take it easy for the 107.04 miles, and always gently ease the throttle open until quite used to the extra power. Failure to do so can result in flipping the bike, even in a high gear, or wheelspinning, especially on unscrubbed tyres, or tyres covered in butter.
Never touch a hot Powerband. The casings on Powerbands help to reduce the extremely high temperatures, but still can badly burn unprotected skin.
Never touch a cold Powerband. The casings on Powerbands help to reduce the extremely cold temperatures when not in use, but still can badly burn unprotected skin.
Always make sure the Powerband is fitted properly. A Powerband mistakenly fitted in reverse can cause an engine to fold in on itself.
Check the integrity of the main Powerband ring. Any sign of cracking means the Powerband could at any point spectacularly disintegrate and can result in losing a knee. Or even wrist.
Powerband Colour Coding
Here is a brief breakdown of the colours of Powerbands. Fortunately, most, if not all, Powerband manufacturers follow the same colour-coding guidelines, making it easy to distinguish the different Powerbands and their different characteristics.
RED Red Powerbands are generally considered to be the Daddy. Maximum power. Full forward thrust. Warp speed.
BLUE Blue Powerbands are a compromise between power and reliability. Not quite as powerful as Reds, but more stable and longer lasting, with only minimal long term damage to the host engine.
YELLOW Yellow Powerbands have been succeeded by the newer Red and Blues. Yellow Powerband technology is fairly primitive, and should only be used with classic bikes from 1902 and up, and the Honda Four-Hundred Four (the only production bike that featured factory-fitted brackets to bolt on a Powerband. Rumour has it that this was due to a mix up at the Honda factory when a designer accidentally left his own design for his own bike in the frame department)
GREEN Working in a similar way to a catalytic converter on acid, the Green Powerband does deliver more power, though not as much as Red or Blue, and will only properly work if there is too much carbon dioxide and hydrotetrocholride in the air. Fitting a green Powerband in a relatively unpolluted area will generally only deliver a small percentage of its total output. Green Powerbands used in China for example, will output over 124.9% of their potential power.
PURPLE Purple Powerbands are a relatively new phenonmenom. They employ the latest powerband technology, such as Ballistical Ultra Leverage Latency (which facilitates levering the latency in the ballistical environment, or in layman's terms can be more simply described as "Funny me. That is fast."). Purple powerbands use the latest in material engineering developments, such as Compound X for the construction of the Main Ring, which is so secret a material, that no-one actually knows where it comes from.
PINK Pink Powerbands are exclusively for the girls. Having a Pink Powerband fitted and not being girl could leave you open to a civil prosecution brought by the Girl Standards Committee. Fines can range from a sensual whipping, to being forced to grow a bushy moustache and wear a leather cap. Power delivery with Pink Powerbands is usually smooth, but mincey.
Engine Sizes and Expected Performance Gains
(data sourced from MCN's "Powerbands - A Must Have? or Child Killing Mechanical Murderering Tool Of Satan?" article - Dec 2009.)
50cc [Red 270.9%] [Blue 195%] [Yellow 42%] [Green 93.7%]
125cc [Red 270%] [Blue 195%] [Yellow 42%] [Green 93.7%]
250cc [Red 270%] [Blue 195%] [Yellow 42%] [Green 92.9%]
*Engine sizes above 250cc vary too much to qualify here, due to the various positioning of exhaust ports and headlamp alignments, and the fact that my calculator only goes up to 8.
Note: Do not attempt to fit a Powerband to a machine greater than 1 litre capacity, as this may result in tearing the arse out of the spacetime continuum, and will make you an enemy of Earth.
Powerband Prices and Availabilty
All flavours of Powerband can be anywhere from £2.90 off ebay, up to £200,000.00, depending on cost.
Powerbands can be purchased at most local motorcycle dealers, in particular those that bear the 'We Sell Powerbands We Do' kitemark.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q. Do Powerbands really make me or my bike cooler?
A. Of course. It's like spraying yourself and your bike in Lynx. It says 'Look. I'm hung like a horse'.
Q. Are Powerbands legal?
A. Hmm. Yes, and no. Perhaps i can answer it with another question; "Eh..?"
Q. Will it affect my insurance?
A. Some insurance companies have a special 'powerband clause' where they will insure you, but if found to be relevant to any claim they will deny cover. If found irrelevent to the claim, they will also deny cover. In fact, whatever you do, the chumps will try and get out of paying out anyway, so you may as well just lie or just don't tell them and save some money on your premiums. Just don't hit anything and you'll be fine. Probably.
Q. Are Powerbands available for cars?
A. Yes, there are Powerbands for cars, even an Adjustable Powerband.
Q. My Powerband is purple. Is that good or bad?
A. It's broken. Or very new. Does it work? Then it's new. Doesn't work? Then it's broken.
Q. I don't have a Powerband. Am I pathetic waste of space?
A. Well, depends, sort of, but...yes. Yes, you are.
History of the Powerband
Powerbands were invented back in 1880, not long after the invention of the 2-stroke engine itself. Dr Virginia Rusty, a mid-wife and part-time inventor saw the need to optimise the 2 stroke system after being repeatedly overtaken by the newfangled trolley buses. Here is an extract from "Powerbands Through The Ages" where Dr Rusty explains her inspiration;
"One was just unsuccesfully attempting to overtake one of the newfangled trolley buses, when I saw a small boy smirking on the bus and pointing downwards to an advertisement on the side. As I recall, it was for cocaine, and how cocaine could help you "Speed happily through life with little or no consideration for others! Try some today!". At the very juncture it dawned on me and suddenly became clear. I knew what I had to do. And that was to invent something, that when bolted to an engine, would somehow make it go much, much faster. I rushed home, ripped the chalk and slates from my children's hands and started to formulate my ideas. I would have finished it there and then too, if I hadn't had to go and deliver some babies."
After many months of prototypes, fine tuning and bringing small humans into the world, Dr Rusty finally released "The Mysterious Mechanical Black Band Of Exponential Power For Automotive Vehicles" into the market, for the price of £19/9s/9d. The name eventually morphed into what we know today as 'The Powerband', and the tag line for marketing the Band was actually previously stolen by Henry Ford's PR Department, when they used it to describe the colour options for the Model T Ford, the famous "Any colour you like, so long as it's black!" line.
Sadly, Dr Rusty never got to see how far reaching her invention would become, as she was killed a few years later crossing the road, ironically by a Velocette that had a Powerband fitted.