You're an Asshole!
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Thread: You're an Asshole!

  1. #1
    Angel Girl

    You're an Asshole!

    For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone-don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.

    A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter? " Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

    I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)

    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

    Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

    So, one day I was at the grocery-store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some kid in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

    "Yes it is."

    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

    "What's your name?" I asked.

    "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

    "I'm home every evening after five."

    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


    "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

    Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

    So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1:


    "You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up).

    "Are you still there?" he asked.

    "Yeah," I said.

    "Stop calling me," he screamed

    "Make me," I said.

    "Who are you?" he asked.

    "My name is Don Hansen."

    "Yeah? Where do you live?"

    "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer parked in front."

    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

    Then I called asshole # 2:

    "Hello?" he said.

    "Hello Asshole," I said.

    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    "You'll what?" I said.

    "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

    I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

    Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
    Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

    Now, I feel better

  2. #2
    living the dream Array BRETT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    I dont even remember
    only the best
    heehhehe your funny...

  3. #3
    just call me baldy Array diggler132's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Around here
    fat and japanese
    That was priceless, I'll remember that story when I have a bad day.

  4. #4
    That one never gets old.

  5. #5
    Wh0re Array redDevil's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    It's red
    You're not an asshole.

    You're the whole ass.

    I love that one, it's classic.
    Groovy baby

  6. #6
    Registered User Array SpideRider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Fraser Valley
    That's a wicked story. Heard it before and love it a bit more each time.
    Cry in the dojo, laugh on the battlefield
    Sparring speed is a matter of simple physics:
    The height of your flight is inversely proportionate to the mass of your ass.

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