1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown,
32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be
33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a
"S" in it?
35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
38. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the
whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
41. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times,
does he become disoriented?
42. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't
people from Holland called Holes?
43. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
44. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
45. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
46. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and
you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
47. Why is the man who invests all your money called a