These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named
FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey...

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee
at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a
judge at a chili cook-off.

Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last
moment, and I happened to be standing there when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a
true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event."

*Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.

*Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on
my face.

*Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs
more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

*Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just
like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

*Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those

*Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow

*Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4
inch hole in my stomach.

*Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)