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Thread: Alcohoroscopes

  1. #1



    Drinking style
    Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when
    to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to
    closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they
    get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people
    drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other
    methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they
    will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not
    forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for
    you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really
    horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
    Trademark cocktails
    Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy
    food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they
    eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right, Aries, you
    were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules
    grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a
    sea breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with
    cinnamon liqueur in it.

    Drinking buddies
    Marlon Brando, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al
    Gore, Thomas Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie
    O'Donnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon

    Drinking style
    Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow
    glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus
    is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop
    inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart
    jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud
    and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the
    rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a
    teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious
    (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing
    to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
    Trademark cocktails
    Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull and
    vodka. They also have a leviathan sweet tooth and are fond of
    drinks with names that sound like dessert (50-50 bar, mudslide).
    Sweetly caffeinated drinks, like Irish coffee or white Russians,
    are ideal. More macho Taureans will go for something
    unpretentious, like a Jack and Coke or whiskey sour.

    Drinking buddies Cate Blanchett, Tony Blair, Pierce Brosnan, Cher,
    Penelope Cruz, William Randolph Hearst, Jerry Seinfeld, Barbara
    Striesand, Uma Thurman, Renee Zellweger

    Drinking style
    Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're
    so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just
    hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with
    finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely
    advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis
    possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and
    uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at
    once. They like to order different cocktails every round --
    repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow
    drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own
    Trademark cocktails
    Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their drinks --
    those with two parts, like a black and tan (or just a double), are
    particularly appealing. Otherwise, they'll drink all over the map,
    ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail
    monkeys or going for whiskey rocks because they're feeling rather
    noir. Gemini rules the herb anise -- make some home-infused anise
    vodka as a gift.
    Drinking buddies
    George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen
    Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie
    Minogue, Morrissey

    Drinking style
    Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an
    after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer
    darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must
    guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out
    secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in
    true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead,
    they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But
    there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few
    bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your
    second-favorite Cancer will do.
    Trademark cocktails
    Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine
    -- any brown booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey and soda to
    grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. They also like
    comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot
    buttered rums. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd
    be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
    Drinking buddies
    Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Harrison
    Ford, Sean Hayes, Lil' Kim, George Michael, Princess Diana, Prince

    Drinking style
    Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers,
    and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding
    dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware
    they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally
    know their limit, probably because they loathe losing
    self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to
    ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo's
    not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore
    it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion
    to make it up to you the next day.
    Trademark cocktails
    Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated tropical concoctions
    festoonedwith umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the more common
    strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, they often have a taste
    for the fruity --
    try a screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the next Manhattan.
    Their sense of drama lends itself to a kir royale, of course.
    Drinking buddies
    Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky,
    Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha
    Stewart, Andy Warhol

    Drinking style
    Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender.
    Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less
    than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze
    neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They
    rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's
    controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast
    lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead
    sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to
    declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of
    intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
    Trademark cocktails
    Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks like vodka
    tonic or a real margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking
    anything -- fromunflinchingly downing Cuervo straight to
    smirkingly ordering a dirty virgin. They also tend to like bitter,
    low-alk guzzles like Campari and soda. They rarely change their
    drink once they've found it, however.
    Drinking buddies
    Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson,
    Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe,
    Keanu Reeves, Lily Tomlin

    Drinking style
    "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so
    damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and
    relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with
    Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side
    (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really
    work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking
    in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of
    trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early
    in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even
    blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
    Trademark cocktails
    Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a
    brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling
    planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions
    like Sex on the Beach.
    They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple martinis, but every
    Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.
    Drinking buddies
    Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh
    Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde,
    Catherine Zeta-Jones

    Drinking style
    Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at
    you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're
    hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to
    drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of
    them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a
    personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing
    Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating
    drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts.
    They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you
    were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
    Trademark cocktails
    Just as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile while secretly
    plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced stinger's sweet
    taste hide a potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal,
    serve them a scorpion -- they may not love tropical drinks, but it
    shows you're paying attention. Scorpio rules watermelon, so break
    out the blender and fix a pitcher of watermelon margaritas to
    seduce 'em -- though red wine will do the trick just as well.
    Drinking buddies
    Truman Capote, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster,
    Bill Gates, k.d. lang, Megan Mullally, Demi Moore, Sylvia Plath,

    Drinking Style
    In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When
    buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.
    Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with.
    This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect
    from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna
    Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the
    room, then persuade the entire crowd
    to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or
    Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high
    possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty
    Trademark cocktails
    A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks
    like Moscow mules, Singapore slings -- perhaps even a Long Island
    iced tea (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and
    still stay vertical). Party monsters that they are, they're
    attracted to shots, like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules
    pears, and could use a nice pear cider right about now, come to
    think of it.
    Drinking buddies
    The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu,
    Brad Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith,
    Britney Spears

    Drinking style
    Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
    money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off
    the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of
    David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is
    the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously
    charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being
    themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars,
    they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need
    a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party,
    especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
    Trademark cocktails
    Old-fashioned Cap would probably like an old-fashioned just fine
    -- or a dry martini, or a gin and tonic, or a gimlet -- or any
    other no-nonsense quaff. They prefer drinks that taste like
    alcohol and generally hate drinks with more than three
    ingredients. However, they like the flavor of cranberry and will
    order a cosmo if they can handle the wait for it to get mixed.
    Drinking buddies
    Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, James Dean, Marlene Dietrich, Martin
    Luther King Jr., Jude Law, Annie Lennox, Marilyn Manson, Richard
    Nixon, Elvis Presley

    Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for
    water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward
    know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're
    more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party
    or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with
    their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming
    drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital
    drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you
    can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is
    fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting
    conversations with soused strangers while sober.
    Trademark cocktails
    Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have never heard of:
    a capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur Tompkins. They
    like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color electric
    blue and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao.
    They also rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty
    Drinking buddies
    Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton
    Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah
    Winfrey, Elijah Wood

    Drinking style
    If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a
    sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza
    Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose
    themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can
    give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an
    expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously
    enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the
    right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas
    and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive
    personality" can be read two ways, you know.
    Trademark Cocktails
    Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito or three --
    though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches, like
    sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much
    anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though -- "drinking
    like a fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep
    blue sea.) Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao (and
    spiked cocoa).
    Drinking buddies
    Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain,
    Edward Gorey, Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon
    Stone, Liz Taylor

  2. #2
    You gotta lean into it! Array InvisibleSoul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Kawasaki Ninja Silver ZX1R Pocketbike (Matching ZX6R Stolen)

    Re: Alcohoroscopes

    Originally posted by drinking&riding

    Drinking style
    Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers,
    Wow, how much wrong can it get.

  3. #3
    Registered User Array
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    quite the entertaining post! hehehe.

  4. #4
    mine is wayyyyyyy off!

  5. #5
    Stupid bastard Array Hu99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    '07 BMW K1200R

    Re: Alcohoroscopes

    Originally posted by drinking&riding
    Drinking buddies
    Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson,
    Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe,
    Keanu Reeves, Lily Tomlin
    What a bunch of losers. I'd rather drink with the Saggitarius gang.
    What was it all about?

  6. #6
    And shepherds we shall be Array miraclejoe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Gixxer V2.1
    I'll trade you, Hu: your Moss an Diaz, for my Spears and Liu.
    Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

    Quote Originally Posted by slingshot View Post
    Fascist oppressor.

  7. #7
    Super-Fast Redneck Array jschapansky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    99' Yamaha R6 turned Streetfighter
    mine is pretty dam close.. and the whole red bull and vodka thing is SO true.. that shit fucks you up!
    2 wheels or 4 wheel drive

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