Ok, as many of you can prolly tell by my post count and the fact that i am always roaming the BCSB threads, i have no life, no friends, no girlfriend, no prospects. To compensate for this fact, i rent movies like a motherfucker. I enjoy good movies, bad movies, action movies, drama movies, horror movies, tear-jerkers, whatever. I rented House Of The Dead today and i wasn't expecting much. It was bad enough for me to decide to make a thread about it warning my fellow BCSB'ers about its general shitiness....and i have nothing to do, being on nightshift this week.
Some shitty couple heads down to the cold, grey, uninviting ocean to go skinny dipping.
Slut: "It looks so rocky and freezing....let's FUCK!"
Loser: "You are so HOT, i think that we should not fuck and instead, go skinny dipping in the dreary, freezing water."
Slut: "Here Are My Boobs"
Loser"Oh, THE water is cold HEY? I wanna stay on the beach and get eaten by a cheap-looking zombie"
Young group of trendy kids is at the docks near Seattle.
Dude 1: "We need to get on the boat so we can get to 'Devil's Island Of Fire, Death, Zombies And Shoving' where this fresh rave is happening, HEY?"
Bitch 1: "Word up."
Dude 2: "I just drank a keg of beer and ate a bunch of raw haggis, I am not going to get seas sick at all homies"
Bitch 2: "Yes, let us go to the rave where there is dancing"
A bunch of homless people......i mean "zombies" attack the rave leaving nobody standing, but are sure to light a bunch of torches in case it gets dark.
The trendy group arrives at the island of the rave.
Dude 1: "There is lots of beer here and no people. Let us now have lots of drinks and party in their honor"
Dude 2: "Dude"
Bitch 3: "This is scary, i wanna know why there are bloody rags all over the place, but no people....there MUST BE SOME EXPLANATION"
Bitch 1: "Hey Dude 1, let's FUCK!"
A couple of the trendy kids finds a rotted-out shitheap of a house, with two guys from the rave inside. They then come back to find Bitch 1 dead and Dude 1 locked in a porta-potty.
Dude 3: "There are scary zombies on this island, homies. We should find a bunch of hidden guns and fight our way back to the shitheap house."
Dude 1:"Word up"
They fight their way to the rotten, crappy place. Every time someone shoots a poor homeless zombie, the screen cuts to a screen shot from a really cheap-looking first person shooter video game. This movie is based on a game, and it won't let you forget it for two minutes. They get inside the house after losing a few members of their gay party.
Dude 3: "This house was very simple to enter, therefore it'll be inpenetrable to the frighteningly realistic zombies outside, dudes."
Dude 2: "Dope"
Bitch 2: "Let's FUCK!"
They then fight their way to the basement and find out about the head zombie who happens to be an old spanish pirate with a russian accent who came up with the formula for immortality centuries before. You see, he was sailing across the atlantic with his captors from Spain, and crashed the ship onto a small island near Seattle....make sense?
This movie is unabashedly bad, do not rent it! I can sit through anything, but i found myself making up excuses to try to watch it till the end. It is bad. Bad enough for me to rate it on a special new movie scale i just thought of: