Stole this from another forum:
Program for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics
The opening ceremony will feature a re-enactment of the history of the government of British Columbia, performed by a professional clown troupe and a used car salesman wearing a turbin and snow shoes. A flock of peace doves will be released to celebrate Canada's freedoms. The doves will then be available in local ethnic dining establishments, shortly after the ceremony, in some halls there will be tables and in others, you eat off the floor with chopsticks.
Next will be an exciting display of synchronized SUV parking, and then the SUV's will be stolen and each will be required to smash into an innocent person and kill them. This will be followed by a large variety of performances celebrating the diversity of Canada's other multi culture art. Riot police will be in attendance to keep the performers apart.
A separate, simultaneous opening ceremony will be held in French. This event will be lavishly funded by the federal government, and will receive extensive coverage on CBC. It is expected to have a total of 7attendees, all who are residents of Mallardville between Burnaby and Coquitlam.
Biathlon Venue: Gastown
Description: Competitors must shoot as many spectators as possible,within the pemitted time and a team of lawyers must all start from the same spot to solicit each shooter as a legal aide client.
Fencing Venue: Surrey
Description: Matches will be between national teams of 6 or moreindividuals, each issued with a combination of machetes, knives and lengths ofsteel pipe and must be able to leap over three 8 ft. fences after each round. Points will be awarded for the most creative ethnic slurs.
100 m hurdles Venue: Commercial Drive
Description: Competitors must complete this foot race while carrying a DVDplayer, video camcorder, computer (including LED monitor) and a 32" television set. The competitors are free to perform the event as many times as they wish. The original plans to include a police dog chasing the competitors, were dropped due to concerns about the lack of realism.
Vancouver Modern Pentathlon Venue: Downtown Eastside
Description: The event has been amended to include Panhandling, Squeegee-ing, Needle Exchanging, Beer Can Collecting,
Shopping Cart Racing and Cardboard Shelter Building. All events are to be performed while under the influence of crystal
methamphetamine, cocane, heroine or B.C. Bud.
Volleyball Venue: Kitsilano
Description: Competitors will be judged by the quality of theirphysical appearance and the brands of clothes they are wearing. Additional points will be added for their skill in selecting the most appropriate wine to accompany dishes, consisting of organic,
pesticide-free artichoke hearts, imported aged goat cheese, and raw seaweed.
Venue: Kingsway at Joyce Street, Burnaby (at 1 am) Description: The events will be performed in the back seat of an old Honda Civic, or along the sidewalk, (Monica Luwinski is not ellegible, amatures only). The competitor who scores the most, wins.
Bob Sled Venue: None
Description: This event has been cancelled because the provincial government has deemed bobsleds to be vehicles, and none of the
competitors were able to afford the compulsory ICBC insurance premiums.
The closing ceremony will begin with a fly-over of the entire Canadian Forces helicopter fleet.
Please stay well clear of that aircraft's flight path.
In an exciting event without precedent, the ceremony will feature the athletes being evicted from the Athlete's Village, an illegal squat in
Stanley Park. Ceremonies will conclude with a nude gay Mardi Gras style parade, down
Davie St. led by our man Gordo and his Daddeo Larry, the Cambell Stoups.