Dear Tech Support
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Dear Tech Support

  1. #1
    Cunning Linguist Array 3 of 7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    The Wet Coast
    1966 CCM

    Dear Tech Support

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, installation of Husband 1.0 seems to have crashed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5.
    Also, I didn't install NFL 5.0, NHL 3.0. or Golf Clubs 4.1., but they run constantly and I can't get them to shut down!!

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

    I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but that freezes the I/O ports.

    What can I do?!


    Dear Desperate:

    First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is a high-end Entertainment
    System geared toward the running of fast paced games like Romantic Weekend Getaway 3.3 and Casino Adventure 3.2 and even Virtual Reality applications such as Happily Ever After 5.8 and Kight in Shining Armor 1.4; while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System geared toward the running of less intensive but more standard applications such as Grocery Shopping 1.0, Mortgage 2.4 and Checkbook Bounce 4.7. They were designed for two very different purposes!

    Try entering the command: "I_Thought_You_Loved_Me.exe"

    If that doesn't work, download Tears 6.2. from our support site.

    Don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 updater, which has additional
    device drivers that might help you shut down the NFL 5.0, NHL 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. programs.

    If the I_Thought_You_Loved_Me.exe program works as designed, Husband 1.0 should reboot and include the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5 in it's startup sequence. If your system isn't too messed up you may even get Conversation 8.0 restarted.

    But, be careful, while this solution will definitely work the first few
    times, overuse can cause CRC errors in Husband 1.0's registry tables.

    While Husband 1.0 does come with diagnostic subroutines like the new Self Awareness Beta, it still relies heavily on the older applications like Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1 while trying to self diagnose.

    Be warned -- Beer 6.1 is a dangerous program that causes unpredictable and slow system responses. Beer 6.1 now also loads the Snoring Loudly Beta.
    There are reported bugs in the Snoring Loudly beta module that indicate that it embeds itself into the system so that even closing down Beer 6.1 won't stop the Snoring Loudly beta from running! It's believed that the Snoring Loudly beta actually writes itself into the base operating system of Husband 1.0 after it runs the first time.

    When Happy Hour 7.0 is running the system is succeptable to the
    Girlfriend 1.0 Trojan. This nasty virus attacks the Husband 1.0 Wallet.dat system resouce file. You might also notice higher usage of system drivers like the CellPhone.drv, and see programs like Late Night At The Office 1.2 running in
    the background. Eventually Husband 1.0 will become totally unresponsive to both keyboard or local system interrupts. If you get the Girlfriend Trojan virus, you'll need a complete system reconfiguration!

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0! On most system, it loads a virus in the background which will eventually seize control of all your system resources. The only remedy for the Mother-in-Law virus is to reformat your drive which will effectively erase all of your previous Husband 1.0

    If you need to start over, we recommend Divorce 1.0. With the optional, but more expensive Lawyer 6.66 extensions, you may be able to retain a fair portion of your previous Husband 1.0's resources, though this usually depends on how badly embedded the Mother-in-Law 1.0 virus is.

    Finally, DO NOT attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 while you're still
    using your Husband 1.0 formatted hard drives! There are major
    incompatibilities in file sharing settings which will eventually crash both your Boyfriend 5.0 and Husband 1.0 configurations. At that point, it will require a complete wipe with fresh hardware AND software to fix -- and chances are you will lose everything even with the Lawyer extensions on your Divorce program.

    Husband 1.0 is a very popular system even though some of it's newer self-diagnostics are a little buggy, its got limited memory management utilities, and a smaller application suite. There are millions who continue to use Husband 1.0 for sentimental reasons, and it's got a huge, loyal fan base even with all it's bugs, quirks and inconsistances.

    With proper maintenance and some regular application of Patience 9.9 you should be able to get years of service from you Hustand 1.0 installation.

    You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance -- we recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck,
    Tech Support
    I’m not crazy, I just need to get off this island. The doctors don’t believe I invented the chocolate éclair. But I did. I’m going to burn them all and drink soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I’ll kill you last!

  2. #2
    You gotta lean into it! Array InvisibleSoul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Kawasaki Ninja Silver ZX1R Pocketbike (Matching ZX6R Stolen)
    Wow That Was Long 3.5

  3. #3

    I laughed at first, then as I got about half-way through the response letter, I said "Screw this noise" and just went directly to quick reply.

    Ahh well, at least it wasn't typed out in binary.

  4. #4
    Bushido Array Valoroursness's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Victoria B.C.
    Quote Originally Posted by InvisibleSoul
    Wow That Was Long 3.5
    haha! 5 words made me laugh.. not 5 paragraghs! thanks Invisible
    Only the strong survive.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Crabalocker

    I laughed at first, then as I got about half-way through the response letter, I said "Screw this noise" and just went directly to quick reply.

    Ahh well, at least it wasn't typed out in binary.

    what the hell is that smily doing on that flag?????

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts