30 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate:
1. Make brown-bag lunchs for your roommate every morning. Give them to
him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read
without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how
great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to
surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out", and fall
off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
everyday. Then, one day, try to get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When you roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was just
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster
in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain
that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate
suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in ten minutes. If your
roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell
him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go
to sleep. If he/she refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on
the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying
gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
10.Everytime the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and
begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks
about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist ..."
11.Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it.
Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you
12.Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping Beans." Eat them, and them jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing Beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate Beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13.Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14.Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you
15.Recite "Dr. Suess" books all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly at your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16.Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey
them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your rommate owns
until he/she pays the tickets.
17.Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe
18.Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver and pretend to "fix" them.
19.Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Wacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20.Wear glasses, and complain that you never see anything. Bump into
walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?"
everytime your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing
glasses, act like you see fine.
21.Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a
connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your
roommate that, "Grandma said hi."
22.Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act
surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one
of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23.Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for aboout five minutes every time you put one on.
24.Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize and
say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
25.Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and
subliminally teach him/her to speak Spansih, play the trombone, and
memorize all all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26.Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it so that your
head crashes into the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"open the window
again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
27.Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you
upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you anymore."
28.Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excitedwhenever you add to
it, and say things like, "in a little while I'll have enough for a
29.Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time each day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30.Take three percocet. Smoke marijuana. Do what comes naturally.