You don't like it. In fact, you can barely understand it. But one thing's for sure - over the next few Euro 2004 drenched weeks, you're not going to able to get away from it.
Everyone's going to be talking football and unless you can opine a little about players, teams and tactics, you could find yourself embarrassed and excluded until the closing ceremony on 4 July.
This guide has been compiled to help you confidently watch games with friends and join in conversations about the tournament. Who knows, maybe you'll actually get into it.
If you're trapped at home or in a bar and forced to watch a game, it's helpful to have a stock of sayings to shout at the TV so you fit in.
"oooooooh" - whenever a shot is taken at the goal, no matter how close. (If especially close, a short round of clapping is permissible)
"Referee!" - if your players are fouled
[silence] - if your players foul the other team's
"PENALTY!" - if one of your players falls anywhere near the opponents' goal
"Go on, son" - when one of your players is heading goal-wards with the ball
"Unlucky" - when said player is effortlessly dispossessed by a £14m defender
Note: calls of "offside!" are probably best avoided. Even the best linesmen standing there on the pitch rarely get this unfathomable rule right.
Certain phrases are verboten. Nothing will reveal your lack of football knowledge more than an ill-conceived comment. Avoid the following:
"6-nil? All to play for then?"
"Which ones are England?"
"Wow - did you see how far he kicked that?"
"He's picked it up! He's throwing it! I thought you couldn't do that?"
Replace said utterances with generalised, chin-stroking observations such as:
"Hmmmm, they're playing a little deep."
"They should push up more."
"They should bring on a holding midfielder."
"They need to get the ball into channels."
A few of these confidently delivered during the game should disguise your ignorance.
It's important that you react in the right way at the right time. When your team score, jubilation, shouting, jumping and hugging are expected. This is also the only time when spilling your drink on another man is forgivable.
If the other team scores, however, a frozen look of shock, followed by a shake of the head and close examination of the bottom of the pint glass is appropriate. Try to avoid eye contact.
If your team loses, rock back and forth in the foetal position until the bar staff say it's time to leave.
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