Who likes Robert DeNiro? I surely do! How can you not like the guy whose character held his hand to a hot stove, then shaved his head into a mohawk to fight the dregs of New York?
This is my solemn plea to Mr. DeNiro:
The next time someone offers you a script with Greg Kinnear as a worried father, and Mrs.Uncle Jesse as a tight young mother, run like the dickens!
I rented Godsend today. Newfie Girl was nice enough to point out that the movie "sucked" after i had already paid my valuable money to rent it from those shysters at Rogers. (thank you very much Andrea)
There are sci-fi movies that tread slowly and there are horror movies that move quickly, never letting you catch your breath. There are mystery movies that make you think and deduce and comedies that leave you in stitches. Sadly, there are also suspense movies that are neither scary, nor suspenseful. The movie starts out like any other suspenseful premature ejaculation of a movie would: with a busy father, a non-realistically beautiful mother and a cherub-like brat of a son. It establishes the father's commitment to his teaching job by showing how much his black students respect him when one holds him at knifepoint, then tells his friend, "This cracka be cool, yo". He then proceeds to apologize and thank the man for teaching him the meaning of indecent student-teacher relationships when he was in school.
The son soon dies due to the fact that the mother is a slow bitch and can't keep an eye on him. He perishes in what is the most gruesomely lame death scene in movie history. (i think an arthritis-ridden parapalegic granny coulda controlled that car better) The parents are then approached by a doctor, named Robert DeNiro. He explains that he is willing to sacrifice everything in order to get Mrs.Uncle Jesse into stirrups, so he can stare at her crotch for a while, before inserting a speculum modeled after his own pecker, in order to further science, of course.
They successfully give birth to another kid. They raise him as they did the original, same name and all that. He soon develops sleep disorders and interrupts Greg Kinnear's only chance at some John Stamos sloppy seconds, by sleepwalking and making a general ruckus. (no real boob shots) This keeps getting worse, and it's painfully obvious that Dr.DeNiro is hiding something, but the mother is too much of a slut to see anything, so they just keep letting the kid creep them out. The kid kills a bully at school, and the parents don't tell anyone because they realize that the other kid wasn't as cool as theirs anyways.
Near the end, we find out that Dr.DeNiro actaully had sex once earlier in his life, which produced some fucked-up kid who killed people and hisself. He used this new couple in an experiment to give birth to a kid who looks nothing like his, but acts like a little sonofabitch anyways. In the end, there are a few scenes where the kid is sorta stalking the mother, where i frantically yelled at the screen "just wring his fucken neck, you stupid WHORE!" But alas, she didn't hear me and the dark made the child ever so strong and smart. They finally figured it all out and move away from that town, and Dr.DeNiro disappears only to start looking in the want-ads for more tight, supermodel trim to play with in the operating room. The family is ok now, living in a new house. But wait! The kid gets pulled into a closet by a brown rubber hand and then has an ominous look about him as the movie ends. OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So, it's safe to say that Greg Kinnear and his slutty wife will not be safe, due to this incredibly powerful 8-year old who can do incredibly evil things like walking up stairs, taking an evil bath and running into the woods while his father calls.
DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE