Oil Changes
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Thread: Oil Changes

  1. #1
    Registered User Array kamen rider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Area 604

    Oil Changes

    It's soo stupid, I decided to share!

    Oil Change instructions for Getting Someone Else To Do It

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent: Oil Change $ 30.00 - Coffee $1.00 - Total $31.00

    Oil Change instructions for Doing It Yourself:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00

    2) Stop by the beer store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug. > > > >

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Canadian Tire to recycle.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

    21) Walk to the beer store; buy beer.

    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

    27) Drink beer.

    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.

    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    30) Drink beer.

    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33) Begin cussing fit.

    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left b**b.

    36) Beer.

    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

    45) Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    48) Car gets impounded.

    49) Call loving wife, make bail.

    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total: $4165.00 But knowing the job was done right.

  2. #2
    I'm hungry... Array tackle_me_2's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    BMW F800ST
    oh...man, I am not sure if I should be crying or laughing...

    Thanks for sharing...that's gold...

  3. #3
    Registered User Array
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    2005 CBR600RR
    kinda sounds like a Mastercard commercial

  4. #4
    Resident GooN Array SuperGoon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    86 VFR 750 F
    sounds kinda realistic


    You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson


  5. #5
    Registered User Array kamen rider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Area 604
    Yah... with all the recent posts about oil changes, I thought I'd post this!

  6. #6
    Redrex Array fetdex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    in the country
    2000 KAW.ZRX1100
    what about the cross threaded plug.......and was it righty tighty and lefty
    loosely.,or lefty tighty........................awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww w

    drink beer best part.

  7. #7
    This is bat country... Array The_Wedge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    In between bikes
    excellent, thanks!

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