Chuckle worthy...
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Thread: Chuckle worthy...

  1. #1
    '04 R1 - You are mine! Array FloMan's Avatar
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    Apr 2002
    Yes please! Oh! That wasn't a question?

    Chuckle worthy...

    Dear Friends,

    Angie is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Angie. The occasion was our 2nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Angie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Angie to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!

    DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by A Violent thrashing about on the floor.

    Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

    SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

    By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back!
    Last edited by FloMan; 11-08-2004 at 11:53 AM.
    “Your failure to be informed does not make me a wacko.”
    -John Loeffler

    “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you sick.”

  2. #2


  3. #3
    you bet i'm a bastard Array phillyblunt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    wait..this is a bike site??
    agreed, funniest story ever!!
    Last edited by phillyblunt; 11-07-2004 at 12:50 PM.

  4. #4
    Registered User Array Miteorite's Avatar
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    Feb 2002
    Richmond, BC


  5. #5
    eyedoggerz Array eyedoggerz's Avatar
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    Aug 2004
    KLR, GIX750
    Fukin sick man!!

    PS do not post pics of missing testicles



    You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
    and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

  6. #6
    That will teach you... then again doubt it.

  7. #7
    I hope you made a video.

  8. #8
    GoPro Inspector Array FOXGURL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    HAHAHAHAHA lmfao.....that would've been awesome to see....I'll keep my eyes out for your nuts!

  9. #9
    The Comedy is in the Back Array Saturnin's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    bro, do you even ride in a straight line? #1 asshole
    i'm to fucking lazy to read all that shit..but did u get some sort of a TIMe travel device offa Ebay, thus zapping the fuck out of your nads?
    Throttle Trauma 3 - Stunt riding documentary - digital download - visit
    The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

  10. #10
    Devil's Advocate Array RoadBlur's Avatar
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    Feb 2002
    The slums of new west
    Suzuki XV 2182
    Oh man that was a good read, I'm cryin here
    -=Graduate: Dragon Driving School=-

    Raise your pitch forks in the air, shake 'em like ya just don't care!

  11. #11
    Holy shit...thats the best start to a monday ive ever had...i cant stop laughing....! Priceless my friend!

  12. #12
    MoToSucCubUS Array Sliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    06 CBR600RR, 07 CRF150R
    LOL! Flo, that's funny!

    but who the hell is Angie?!? ;-)
    one six two seven eight nine

  13. #13
    Registered User Array scubaphil's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    99 R6
    hahahahahah hahah that was sooo good....
    hey where can we get tazors again AHAHHAAHHAH
    If jack helped you off a horse would you help jack off a horse??

    You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

  14. #14
    Moderator Array Mighty Kentor's Avatar
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    Mar 2004
    Mission, BC
    2004 R1, 2005 DL1000 V-Strom
    Great story! Are those things legal in Canada?
    Reformatted to fit your screen.

  15. #15
    Redrex Array fetdex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    in the country
    2000 KAW.ZRX1100
    omfg that was great im still crying lol.
    why dont you ask the cat where they are ....awwwwwww

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