Was surfing the net and ran into these. Some killer ones that I trust you'll use to good effect.......
He Said / She Said
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said- "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said - "That's a good idea.! You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and snore."
He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said - "Well, you succeeded."
He said - "Two inches more and I would be king."
She said - "Two inches less, and you'd be queen."
He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard."
Women Have All the Answers
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"