Dear Doctor White,

Lard thunderin' jassssus bye, I'm at me wits end and I'm prayin'
you'll operate on me so I can have me nuts cut off and make me sterile.
Me reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having
had 9 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are
riggin' useless.

After getting married here in Gander bye, I was advised by the
priest to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba,
me wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured meself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart
from dat, where do ye find a band when ye get the urge at two o'clock in
the mornin'?

Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we wus
livin' with de in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks fer the safe period,
when the 'ouse was empty. Needless to say dat didn't work, and da missus
got pregnant again. Twins dis time.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while
breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear
skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but da wife, well she got
pregnant again.

Another tale we 'eard was if da wife jumped up and down after
intercourse dis would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, stubbed 'er
big toe, but she still got pregnant again. Jaaaaasus nother set of twins.

I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated
them, so I bought a big box. Me wife fell pregnant again, which did not
surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of dem things over
yer index finger could ever stop da missus from getting knocked up yet

We tried the coil next but dat didn't work. It had a left-hand
screw and me wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but the wife
got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across
'er forehead. Ye can see me problems right?

If I can't 'ave da operation I will 'ave to resort to oral sex,
but lard jasssssus bye I can't believe dat talking bout it is any
substitute fer the real ting. Do ye??

Yours sincerely,

Eli from Conception Bay

P.S. Me fadder didn't have any condoms way back den so he
an eel and used that. Needless to say it didn't work......poked hes
pecker through the eye . dat's how I got me name.