Winter driving tips - LOTS OF SWEARING
i did not write this, funny read though:
Okay, I just spent 2 goddamn motherfucking hours driving into work. This drive is normally 45 minutes. I am in North Carolina, NOT the ICE CAPITAL of the world, far from it, but holy bat fucking donkey shavers the motherfuckers I had to navigate has given me a goddamn multiple aneurysm headache.
Before I give the tips, I will tell a story that made my neaqrly piss my fucking pants in happiness.
I live back in the sticks, on a long windy tree lined road. It is 5 miles ionto town, and the "main roads". So I set off and notice how shiny the roads are, shiny white, thats right I am driving on a goddamn ice rink, I mean a nice glaze of 1 inch thick ice. It had just started to melt so it had that EXTRAl coating of slippery watery ice death glaze 5000.
I pass a development with is apparently my towns ASS HAT CENTRAL with a low rider fuckbox per capita of 3 shitboxes to every rickedy fuck hut shit shacks, or houses for the lay person.
I see some cock smoker behing the wheel of his fuckwagon, and he was trying to "beat me" out of his development so he would be infront of me. Well his front wheels were spinning at around 40000 rpm, to no avail, he would have to wait until I passed.
He gets behind me and is fucking tailgating.
Now let me tell you that the roads suck ass, I watch my tach quivering like a godddamn middleschool cheerleader getting finger fucked by her dirty uncle, which means traction is somthing that is very scarce, just a little too much oomph and youre fucked.
Let me describe the fuckwagon cause it will make you happy as well when you learn of the outcome.
Mid 80's stanza, WITH ONE OF THOSE huge SPOILERS, AND fat ASS exhaust pipe. Apparently 40 inch rims made from tin foil and low profile tires. One of those big ass stickers which obscures more than half the windshield which read N I S S A N. Ground effects which gave about .00025 inches clearance.
HE was on my goddamn ass.
So the road was clear, he decides to pass. I hear the ricer motor turning for all its worth and this fucker is driving for all hes worth as the car is swerving badly due to NO GODDAMN CONTROL. I just stop, I AM NOT getting killed cause Ricey McRicerton wanted to get ot his job at Chick FilA on time for once.
He goes on, ass end of the car swerving, he was all over the road.
So I resume, and driving very carefully, a car passes me going the opposite way flashing its lights.
Ahead was ONE of the very bad curves, a curve with a slight bank to it, as I approach I see Riceys Fuckwagon firmly wrapped around a tree, and a Ford F350 Dually on the opposite side of the road.
Ground effects and shit box pieces lay strewn everywhere.
Ricey had met the dually and panicked swerved, and the dually broadsided him, knocking him into a fucking tree.
As I got closer I saw some people standing around.......IT GETS BETTER.
I see some big ass bearded redneck looking dude kicking the shit out of a "whiggerey" looking kid, and I mean this dude was whoopingthe kids ass.
Passers by had stop to help, but the redneck was taking matters into his own hands.
As I drove slowly by, I tooted the horn and waved.
I was so happy, justice was being served, one kick to the ass at a time.
Now it took me 2 hours to get to work there were many things I saw, so I will address them now.
T_S_M's school on HOW TO NOT BE A GODDAMN ICE HAT FUCK WITTED SHIT EATING FUCK BOX WINTER DRIVER.
1. Okay, it snowed, and you need to drive your vehicle, if it is parked outside in the elements, CLEAN THE FUCKING SNOW OFF YOUR GODDAMN VEHICLE!!!
While you may think its cool to clear a "peephole" and just get in and drive your "armored car" snow wagon, this reduces YOUR visability, and the spy hunter snow screen blowing off your fucking car is hazardous to OTHER drivers as well.
GET THE GODDAMN SNOW OFF YOUR VEHICLE.
2. DO NOT FUCKING TAILGATE. - HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND THIS!!!!! Taligating in NORMAL weather is bad enough ICE only makes things slippery and takes FRICTION out of the goddamn equation totally. (David Bowman insert picture here)
3. SUV/4 wheel drive vehicles ON ICE.
IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU HAVE 50 WHEEL DRIVE, UNLESS YOU HAVE STEEL STUDDED TIRES YOUR GEO TRACKER WILL GO INTO THE DITCH JUST AS WELL AND FAST AS A FUCKING CAVALIER WILL, EXCEPT WITH *2OF YOUR WHEELS SPINNING MAKING YOUR CAR SPIN AROUD LIKE A BREAKDANCER WITH HIS FUCKING GENITALS ON FIRE AND POSSIBLY LOOK EXTRA FUNNY WHEN YOU CAREEN INTO SOMONES FUCKING HOUSE.
Drive like you have some goddamn sense, you DO NOT own the goddamn road and your precious 4 wheel drive is useless on ice, the only thing it can do is MAYBE get you OUT of the ditch after you go in. So drive like you have some fucking sense.
unless you are in a pre 80s 4x4, or some whooptee do 4x4, the fucking differential only gives power to wheels that are spinning, or dont have traction, so its like this, in 4 wheel drive under optimal conditions 4 wheels turn, BUT then on ICE lets say 2 wheels loose traction, the wheels WITH traction stop spinning letting the tires with NO traction spin, so when you loose control, and youre in 4 wheel drive, you have 2 wheels spinning. There are things called LOCKERS which would fix this but chances are you dont have one and your already in the goddamn ditch.
Nice form Earnhardt, your landing SUCKED. I give it a 3.
3. PULLING OUNT IN FRONT OF VEHICLES IN MOTION.
you do NOT DO THAT.
While you may be in a hurry to purchase 3 gallons of milk and 23 loaves of bread, please wait until the car moving down the road passes, you pulling out in front of them is assbrained at best, and if the car applies its brakes youll just have a big ass hunk of steel and glass, SLIDING into you instead of ROLLING into you. PE PATIENT, ice can fucking kill you, it fucked up the cave mens plans, it can fuck you up as well, Copernicus.
If you would just follow these 3 little tips there wouldnt be all the fuck ups that there have been. In North Carolina there were nearly 1500 wrecks and 10 deaths, all because of fuckwitted shit heads in a goddamn hurry, on ice.
Associated things with bad weather.
WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH MILK AND BREAD.
As soon as snow is mentioned all stores sell out all milk and bread. WHY? I would think booze, pizza, junk food and rubbers would be the priorities, but hell I'm silly like that.
Hopefully you'll take something from this thread, if you have tips, post them here as well, maybe NEXT TIME YOU can PREVENT a wintery FUCK UP.
This message has been brought to you courtesy of the better fuck you bureau and Ice Hat prevention society.
Multiple lol ! ! ! Made my f*****g day! Winter, Ice, Snow - What are these things ? Thank God I now live in the Canary Islands.(Used to live in ´Rupert and Surrey, B.C tho´)
urk... stop! stop!
holy shit that guy has issues
the guy who tattoo me also ride all year long , he must go through hell sometimes
LOL, that was hilarious!
I have to say that Americans outside the snowbelt states can't drive for shit in real winter weather, even a little sleet or hail can cause the kind of carnage depicted above. Also, is it just me or do U.S. drivers as a whole tend to try to ride your ass like a bad Catholic priest no matter how many other lanes are available, even at the best of times?
Still, all things considered I'd rather take my chances with people who turn into Mad Max rejects only in extreme weather than with those who are like that all the time.