I don't watch much TV anymore at all, but when some worthless pieces of shit sort of oooze from the small screen onto the internet, you end up having to see them from time to time.
- Paris Hilton
I think she's kind of pretty and stuff, but she's everywhere. I am sure she's done some sort of billboard ad for vaginal yeast cream in Taiwan just to get some sort of exposure. I would break her in half over my knee like a blonde balsawood stick.
- Ashton Kutcher
Just the sight of this guy annoys me. I have never seen his show "Punked" and have never sat through a full episode of "That 70's show", but even seeing him in ads for his movies is enough to make me quiver with rage. I would use a nailgun to attach his ghey trucker hat to his head so that it points straight, then i would push him down a flight of stairs to see if it stays in place.
I do admire the fact that his political motives seem somewhat sincere and the fact that he might actually be doing some good is refreshing. His music however sucks sweaty baboon testicles...and people LOVE him for it! I think if he recorded hisself taking a noisy shit with some muzak and urinal toilet gurgling in the background, people would sigh with pleasure and proclaim him to be the greatest musical genius of our time. I'd like to just take my new joe rocket gloves and slap him about the face once, leaving a hard-knuckle indent for his fans to emulate with makeup.
- Jimmy Fallon
What's worse than a comedic actor who isn't funny? NOTHING. The fact that his unfunny Weekend Update stuff has somehow given him a springboard into the overflowing toilet of romantic comedies being released is just a testament to the fact that people are so stupid, they will pay money and be happy to laugh at what they think they're supposed to laugh at, not at what's actually funny. I would first instruct him to straighten his hair before i scalp it using his guitar strings. Then i would like to have him sit at the Weekend Update desk alone as i drive my truck over it.
- Samuel L. Jackson
I have liked his characters in a few movies....oh wait a minute, he doesn't play characters, he just plays himself. "This spring, Samuel L. Jackson stars as an angry/empowered black man in (insert movie title here)" This was cool back when Pulp Fiction came out, but i think he jumped the shark long ago. I would like to slap that Kangol hat off his fucken head, then run away before he pulls out his gat.
I am sure i have missed a slew of celebrities who deserve worse than i could ever dish out, perhaps someone can come up with more?