Funny rant on choppers
I didn't write it so don't even start with that..
As I pull into the gas station on my black and orange Sportster, I am
already on the lookout.
On Pump 1 I've got a middle-aged man driving a Valiant with an OCC
sticker in the back window. Definite offender, better keep my distance.
Pump 3, a younger guy with a 4x4 Toyota truck. A safer bet than Pump 1,
but the retiree filling his Coupe DeVille at Pump 9 looks like my best
I kill the motor and roll in to 8 as quiet as I can. Without getting
off my bike or removing my helmet, I pull out my wallet, shove my card
into the machine, pop the gas cap and grab the high octane nozzle.
If my tank was bigger than a canteen, I wouldn't have to do this so
often. But the man in the Cadillac is ignoring me, so it might turn out
BEEP BEEP, "Error. See Cashier". Dammit.
I drop the kickstand, take off my helmet and glasses and get in line
behind Cadillac Man. He pays for his gas and buys a banana.
Who buys fruit at a gas station?
By the time the cashier straightens me out, the Caddy next to my bike
is replaced with an Expedition sporting a big giant HARLEY-DAVIDSON
sticker on the back. Shit.
I hoped this year would be different. I thought the hype was over. I
prayed that I could go this entire year without having to discuss Jesse
fucking James with some jackass American Chopper fanboy driving a rig
with a bike sticker on it.
He steps out of the vehicle and looks over at my bike, and I know all
my hopes and dreams for the 2005 riding season are fucked. He walks up
to me like I'm a hot peice of ass drinking a Manhattan alone at the
"Hey man, nice bike."
That's usually how they start out.
"Thanks" I say, trying to sound polite and rude at the same time.
Obviously needing more from this conversation, he opts for the
"establish the bad guy" approach. "I almost bought one of these last
year but my wife wanted a new roof."
Sometimes it's better to say nothing. It makes people uncomfortable and
they leave. But every now and then, keeping quiet makes them start
looking over the bike and asking more annoying questions.
"That a custom exhaust?"
Well, fuck. The word "custom" has been used. I panic but can only
mutter out a "yep" before he launches into the inevitable banter that I
was trying so hard to avoid. Once they say "custom", it's basically
"Yeah man I was watching Orange County choppers the other day man did
you see that spider web bike man that this was sweet they like
fabricated all the parts for and stuff and you love choppers don't you
because I think they're sweet and on American Chopper they made a trike
out of a volkswagen and did all sorts of radical stuff and it was so
awesome and I want to have Jesse Jame's man babies Chopper CHOPPer rake
bike stretch custom chrome and the was a bike build-off on the
discovery channel did you see it and the
old guy was all pissed off at the young guys and they just argued the
whole time but somehow they managed to make an awesome bike I bet you
saw it yeah you love them too right they made it for Shaq for like
$85,000 Chopper chopper chopper choppers chopper orange county american
steel chopper bike chopper frame rake ape hangers custom custom custom
custom custom I love the discovery channel so much OCC WCC BAD DOG
CHOPPERS CHOPPERS INC OMG I want to put beach bars on my refrigerator
and like put a lowering kit on it but
you know the wife making me buy a car and a house instead man but if it
was up to me I'd be living free and riding free on the open road just
like Peter Fonda and Jack Nicolaus but I wouldn't get killed with a
shotgun you know what I mean har har cause that would suck and I saw
this documentary on Sturgis and all these people were there riding free
and checking out the black hills rally rally bike bike custom chopper
chopper fabricate chrome
chrome chrome sturgis I was gonna ride to sturgis this year but I
didn't have a bike and I had a trailer to bring it but the wife made me
sell the trailer hitch so she could buy a new eddie bauer stroller for
our baby and some cleets for my kids man I know my kids will grow up to
be bikers but right now I'm doing the parenting thing and stuff I may
look soft but I'm deep down a real hardcore free riding open road biker
man just like you trust me if I had the dough I'd be cruisin with you
just like Orange County
Choppers check out this tattoo I got it's a maltese cross I don't know
what that means but its all over every chopper thing because I love
choppers you love choppers we all love choppers choppers
CHOPPERCHOPPERPEOHRHCHEOCPEPOCHEOR OMG OMG OMG CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOUR
BIKE AND SEND PICTURES TO JESSE JAMES I LOVE BIKES MAN BIKES BIKES
BIKES CAUSE LIKE THE OTHER DAY I WAS BUYING SOME BEAN DIP FOR THE
LITTLE LEAGUE PARENTS MEETING AND I WAS TALKING TO THIS
OTHER GUY WHO REFS THE TIGERS AND HE WAS LIKE MAN ID TRADE IT ALL FOR A RIDE ON A CHOPPER BECAUSE I WATCH THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL 24 HOURS PER DAY BECAUSE ALL THEY EVER SHOW IS CHOPPER GARAGE SHOWS AND THOSE MEN ARE ROUGH AND TOUGH AND THEY WILL BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN JUST LIKE THE WOLF IN THE THREE LITTLE PIGS EXCEPT NOT A WOLF BUT LIKE A V-TWIN WITH A BIG WIDE OPEN EXHAUST WITH
NO MUFFLER BECAUSE NOISE IS GOOD AND BIKES ARE GOOD AND I LOVE CHOPPERS CHOPPPERS BEACH BARS CHROME CHOPPER RAKE MAN, I'M GONNA MAKE ME A BIKE WITH LIKE SO MUCH RAKE THAT MY BARS JUST GO STRAIGHT OUT ALL THE WAY TO STURGIS AND CHOPPERS ARE COOL BECAUSE THEY CAN'T TURN UNLESS YOU HAVE A FOOTBALL FEILD BUT THATS OK BECAUSE I'M LIVING HARD AND RIDING FREE AND I WEAR CHAPS
WHEN I GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE THATS HOW HARD CORE OF A BIKER I AM JUST LIKE JESSE JAMES AND JACK NICKALOOS EXCEPT I HAVE DON'T HAVE A FOOTBALL HELMET PAINTED GOLD BUT WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME JUST LIKE IN EASY RIDER MAN HEY WANT TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE THE WIFE IS WATCHING THE BACHELOR II I HOPE SARAH WINS BUT ANYWAY I TAPED AMERICAN MONSTER CHOPPER GARAGE JAMES JAMES JESSE JAMES CO INC INC AND WE CAN WATCH IT IN THE KIDS ROOM BECAUSE THEY'RE AT PIANO LESSONS TILL 9 ohhh man ohhhh man I loves me some bikes fuck it
man lets just go to the bar right now and sell this truck right now
that's how hardcore I am I mea YOU KNOW ME MAN I DON'T EVEN GET BEHIND
THE WHEEL TILL I'VE HAD A SIXER MAN I DRIVE BETTER WHEN IM DRUNK JUST
LIKE JESSE JAMES YOU LIKE GRASS MAN IVE GOT GRASS WE CAN GO SMOKE SOME GRASS IN MY GARAGE JUST LIKE ON EASY RIDER BUT WILL HAVE TO MOVE THE KIDS BICYCLES OUT OF THE WAY BUT THATS OK BECAUSE WE'RE HARDCORE AND WE DONT GIVE A FUCK CHOPPER CHOPPER
APE HANGER FOOTPEG BEACH BAR EASY RIDER CHOPPER CHOPPER CHROME CUSTOM FABRICATION PAINT 17 LAYER PAINT JOB BUT THE SEAT MAKES MY ASS SORE SO NORMALLY I LIKE TO GET A GOOD SIZED PILLOW AND PUT IT DOWN THERE FOR COMFORT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS AFTER RIDING FREE FOR SO LONG YOUR ASS GETS A LITTLE SORE BUT YOU GET USED TO IT AND YOU LEARN TO LOVE IT RIGHT MAN AM I RITE?
!??!@$)! *&Z*t7 -tghyepsihg eoirgu eiugeodiuf.,dfg ....................
By now I'm about 6 miles away wishing Sportsters had bigger gas tanks
and planning new strategies to avoid repetition # 193 of this pointless
Pointless, just like a chopper. Especially the over-the-top ones on the
Discovery Channel. They are cartoon bikes. Choppers are the Desert
Eagle .50 of motorcycles. Big and badass and striking and different but
for all logistical and practical and resonable purposes, completely
builder of bikes
Wow. Never saw it that way. Guys into cruisers and the riff raff comments you'd get all over the place and the scary broads checkin' you out from a beat up 1985 Chevette...
Easier to deal with than some bubbly young asian kid who asks if it's a stock exhaust on my bike...
This is a new one, i thought it was gonna be the one about how incredibly ghey the flames and skulls are.
What's that with the cantene sized tank though?
Are tanks on Sportsters really that small?
I get 300 kms/tank out of my Japper easy (750 Shadow)
Last edited by Jester666; 05-19-2005 at 09:45 AM.
Sportsters have something like a 2.5 or 3.5 gallon tank, depending on if it's the 883 or 1100 engine. Reguardless, that's a pretty short range.
Good rant....different perspective!
wow what a hoot. Sounds eirily reminiscent of old monty python. Perhaps you would like a little spam and eggs with your chopper
That's sweet. Thank ghod I'm not riding a HD anymore. Used to be no one would
talk to you if you pulled up on one