Talking like a pirate is one of those things that is extremely enjoyable yet highly underrated. It comes in very handy when you are trying to convince people in elevators that you are crazy, attempting to annoy your family and friends, or are simply looking for a change of pace. that said, here's how it works.
First of all, you'll feel like a dumbass with a bad scottish accent unless you find a proper outfit to accompany your new found accent. I suggest starting with an eyepatch. You can make one for about $.32 if you buy a piece of elastic and some black construction paper. Next, you can either a) get a peg leg, or b) find a parrot to sit on your shoulder and say naughty things. A real peg leg requires a lot of work and money because it will require you to lose a leg. If you have no qualms about permanent changes in looks, I highly suggest you take this route. If you're a pansy, you can always find a parrot in a local pet store. or, if you're not into feeding the little bugger, you could find a taxidermied one in any thrift shop that caters to pirates and "psycho"-esque peoples. A nice striped shirt and some bloomers would add that touch that spells intrigue.
Now that you've got the look down, you gotta learn that mad crazy jargon that'll keep em guessing. here are some basic terms that will get you started and sounding like blackbeard in no time:
blimey- "****ing ass!"
me bucko- "homie"
gangway- "move it or lose it, buddy."
scurvy- your standard derogatory adjective, i suggest using it instead of "skanky", "lame", etc.
shiver me timbers- "what the **** is this?!?"
splice the mainbrace- to get blasted
Any other expression like "arrr!", or "ahoy!" can also be used. Pirate lingo is open to interpretation since there is no definitive pirate dictionary. You can even go ahead and make up your own words, but be wary because you might end up sounding like a british *****.
Now, the real art of talking like a pirate comes into play. Stringing sentences together with commonly used pirate words isn't anywhere near as easy as it sounds. When you become frustrated with it, it is advisable to begin cursing like a sailor, although that won't help you when you're in an argument with some uncouth landlubber who's trying to get his paws on your grog. You gotta sound mean. Pirates are nastly little *****es and you have to convince everyone that you mean business. There isn't anything sadder than a pirate wannabe that sounds like a whiny sean connery on crack. Your best bet is to have your face in the proper position in order to sound like a pirate. I suggest talking out of the side of your mouth while acting like you have no teeth and a bad cough. You also have to scream when you do this. pirates don't talk, they command. Pirates are badasses. Don't be a wuss. Scream.
This is the final step to pulling it all off. Never let anyone question your authority. You're a blimey pirate, dammit!!!!! If anyone tries to talk crap to you, threaten to send them to davy jones' locker (i.e. a watery grave). you gotta do everything pirate style. drink, curse, and sleep with the cheapest *****s you can find and hope you don't get the clap. That peg leg will also come in handy at bars when some bufoon in a hawaiian shirt tries to give you ****. You'll show him who the real slim shady is when you have that leg up his ass.
Stay tuned for "How to have a failed dinner party".