The big problem in our society is not all the violence and bloodshed; nay, the problem plaguing us is...no GODDAMN martyrs!!!!! In the early days of Christianity and Islam, martyrs were a dime a dozen, but where can they be found now? No one wants to die for a cause.
Well, I've come up with a method of combining the old values (martyrdom) with new values (the propagation of mcdonalds fast food) that will blow your mind.
First, you must emulate the mack-daddy of all martyrs, Jesus Christ. But put a Mcdonalds-y spin to all your messianic ramblings. Put the prefix "mc-" on almost every important word. And use parables a lot. For example: " the mc-kingdom of God is like this. a Mcdonalds chef was placing sesame seeds on mc-buns. Some fell on the mc-floor, and died. Others fell on the mc-counter, and may have been used, but were cleaned up that mc-evening. Some landed on mouldy buns, and were given to the mc-people, but the people only noticed the mold, and took no heed of the goodness of the seeds. Others mc-fell on good buns, and were full of tasty mc-flavour. Listen then, if you have mc-ears!" Or perhaps "if a customer should lose one mc-nugget, shall he not leave the other eight, and search for the lost nugget? And when he finds the lost mc-nugget, he shall be glad, and call all his mc-friends and feast. For the mc-nugget who was lost has now been found. Listen then, if you have mc-ears!"
Next, develop the lifestyle. In deliberate defiance of the other tyrannous fast-food restaurants, buy Mcdonalds food, and eat it in their restaurants. For example chow down on a Big Mac in the middle of a Burger King. Get yourself some apostles. Call the principle three "Grimace, Birdie and the Hamburglar. (note: Hamburglar is the one who will eventually betray you.) The rest of them, you may call the "Fryguys."
Now, comes the big one: the martyrs death. By severely pissing off all the other mainstream fast-food places (Wendy's, Burger king, A&W) you will have made enemies high up in the government. When they finally catch you, insist that you be nailed to a golden arch in the middle of a public area. Before this, get the police to twist a crown of french-fries on your head, dress you in a clown suit, a wig, and big red shoes. Then have them come and kneel before you saying "Hail, king of the fries" and mocking and spitting on you. Then, when you are languishing on the arch, say to one of the spectators, "I am thirsty." have on of your apostles give you a Mcdonalds napkin soaked in a 16 oz. soft drink on a stick, and hold it to your lips. Then, as you breathe your last breath, say. "It is Mc-finished."
This may or may not start a new church. if it does, you can be assured eternal fame after you pass on. If it doesn't start a new church, it will almost certainly increase Mcdonalds' already ridiculously high profit margin, and ensure them eternal fame (and fortune), and heighten their monopolistic hold on the earth's fast food regime. (hmmm... maybe this isn't such a good idea...) oh well.
Thanks, and happy martyring!!!!