POLICE QUIPS & QUOTES:
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that
means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
New Miranda rights:
You have the right to remain motionless or you may elect
Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase
you down to the ends of the earth. You have the right to
have your lawyer run with you.
Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be
appointed by the court to jog along with you. If while
running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my
K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may
continue his pursuit of you in full stride. You may stop
running at any time, at your own risk. Good luck. On your
mark, get set... GO!
Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the
kid on his way without a ticket.
Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it
the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the
bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas.
I'm going to a lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his
car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily
along, a policeman stopped him.
What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop
"My wife," said the man.