Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "Can you tell me where I am?'.
"Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 kilometres from Canowindra. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you."
At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an accountant".
"Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?"
The balloonist says, "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."
The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant. The owner says: "I am dying and I want to take my money with me. At my funeral put these envelopes in my coffin". So at the funeral, the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the coffin. But, on the way home the lawyer felt bad and told the accountant that he had opened the envelope, found one hundred thousand in cash and had taken fifty thousand out. The lawyer had justified that as his fee, but now he felt bad. The accountant responded: "How could you have disregarded a dying man's last request? How could you charge a fee of fifty percent? You should be ashamed of yourself. Then, the lawyer reacted: "What did you do? You gave him all his money?" The accountant repied: "Yes, I gave him all his money, but I left a personal check for the full amount".
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter. "Public Practitioner," is the reply. "Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. "Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter. "How can that be?" says the accountant, "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight" "No, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" says the accountant. "Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."
Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting / Consulting:
10 You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process
9 You get all excited its Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work
8 You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables
7 You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living
6 You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week
5 You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement
4 You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors
3 Ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans
2 You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix
1 You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock