This is a note from An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table, asking judges (Native Texans)if the
chili would be all that hot and spicy. They told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili :
· JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
· JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
· FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili :
· JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
· JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
· FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:
· JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
· JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red
· FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now, get me more beer, before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic;
· JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
· JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
· FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. witch
is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover:
· JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
· JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
· FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety:
· JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
· JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
· FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that tramp Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:
· JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
· JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum ,tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should also note, I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
· FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili:
· JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice chili blend,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
· JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd
have reacted to a really hot chili?
· FRANK- unable to stand. . .
Editor's Note: The paramedics have been called!