Chilli Tasting
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Thread: Chilli Tasting

  1. #1

    Chilli Tasting

    This is a note from An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
    original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
    standing there at the judge's table, asking judges (Native Texans)if the
    chili would be all that hot and spicy. They told me I could have free beer
    during the tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili :
    · JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    · JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    · FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili :
    · JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    · JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
    taken seriously.
    · FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
    I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:
    · JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
    · JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red
    · FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
    feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
    now, get me more beer, before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the
    back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
    shit-faced from all the beer.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic;
    · JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
    · JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
    for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    · FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
    barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. witch
    is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
    chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover:
    · JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
    ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    · JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
    Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    · FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
    and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
    needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
    that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
    bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if
    I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges
    asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety:
    · JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
    balance of spice and peppers.
    · JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
    and garlic. Superb.
    · FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm
    worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
    behind me except that tramp Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought.
    Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:
    · JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
    · JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum ,tastes as if the chef literally threw in
    a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should also note, I am
    worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
    he is cursing uncontrollably.
    · FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
    and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
    the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
    with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
    lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
    they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
    painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
    I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili:
    · JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice chili blend,
    safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    · JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
    neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
    Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
    himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd
    have reacted to a really hot chili?
    · FRANK- unable to stand. . .

    Editor's Note: The paramedics have been called!

  2. #2
    Holly Crap that was funny!

  3. #3

  4. #4
    HAAAAARRRRRRRR Array Mischa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    in ur gf
    OMG...I can't stop laughing !!!!

    Rage. Its my drug of choice.

  5. #5
    I gotta stop reading this shit at the office. I have tears in my eyes from trying to control my laughter and an insane craving for chili.

  6. #6
    i've seen this one before a few times... always funny though...

  7. #7
    Registered User Array Good old Pete's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    2010 Z1000
    That was SO funny. That was the funny highlight of my week.
    When speeding run from the cops, it's a lesser infraction.

  8. #8
    Deer magnet Array Prez's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    sold - borrowing my wife's CBR
    Originally posted by KawBoy
    I gotta stop reading this shit at the office. I have tears in my eyes from trying to control my laughter ...
    Note to self:
    Never read the funnies section of this web site at work...
    damn that's funny
    Every day I break my previous record of consecutive days still alive.

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