Best Divorce Letter Ever.
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Thread: Best Divorce Letter Ever.

  1. #1
    ... Array identity-R's Avatar
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    Best Divorce Letter Ever.

    >Subject: Best Divorce Letter Ever.

    >Date: Sat, 01 Jul 2006 08:22:14 -0600

    > >

    > >Dear Connie,

    > >I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our

    > >"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I

    > >swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little

    > >boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make

    > >contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back

    > >to me. I guess my pride needed that.

    > >But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of

    > >pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I

    > >don't care who

    >makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe

    > >it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is

    > >what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in

    > >the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're

    > >not even close.

    > >Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with

    > >me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my

    > >desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies

    > >that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I

    > >mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass

    > >that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the

    > >couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've

    > >made important in our lives. It's

    >all so superficial. What does a

    > >perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case,

    > >yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person?

    > >Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I

    > >doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know,

    > >maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a

    > >half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so

    > >drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty,

    > >shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why

    > >did it feel so incomplete?

    > >And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to

    > >watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.

    > >Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without

    >you. And everything I do

    > >just reminds me of you.

    > >Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge

    > >last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She

    > >said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't

    > >know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway,

    > >we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging

    > >away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack.

    > >She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's

    > >not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear

    > >us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your

    > >grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle

    > >it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but

    >it makes

    > >me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put

    > >the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years,

    > >and we never used it as a sex toy."

    > >Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I

    > >mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on

    > >her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful

    > >time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in

    > >general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really

    > >is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about

    > >happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all

    > >I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And

    > >that just about makes me cry.

    > >And then it turns out

    >Vicky's really into the whole anal thing. That

    > >gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it

    > >and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do

    > >you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's

    > >cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your

    > >heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe

    > >out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel

    > >the same please, please, please let me know.

    > >Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

  2. #2
    Regular Array SWanime's Avatar
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    Just... awesome..

  3. #3
    Registered User Array SpideRider's Avatar
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    I have always loved that joke.
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    Registered User Array scubaphil's Avatar
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    oldie but goodie
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  5. #5
    ... Array identity-R's Avatar
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    sorry guys didna no this one had been around the block so many times ..i just heard it and it cracked me up so i thought y not

  6. #6
    "Experience" THX Rogger. Array PressurePoint's Avatar
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    Nice worth the laugh!

  7. #7
    Thanks for that... Array Miguel's Avatar
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  8. #8
    I smell an agenda Array ~tuffghost~'s Avatar
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    I love these jokes. hahaha
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  9. #9
    Stargaze Array Stargaze's Avatar
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    AWSOME! loved it!

  10. #10
    Registered User Array cyclestarter's Avatar
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    if i only had a diary to copy this into !!
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  11. #11
    ha! thats awesome...

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