The Five Stages Of Drunkeness
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known to the
You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone
who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar
and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want
to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of
money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so,
naturally, you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the
BEST LOOKING person in the world.
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with
whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and
challenge them to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and
- hell - you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!
This is the final stage of drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything,because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU.
You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of
the people in the room cannot see you.
You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the room
cannot see you.
You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one
can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER, you know ALL the words.
And then you sober up.....
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly
remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic drill headache,
cloying nausea and Bud/Guinness/Tetley/Baileys stains.
You realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the
ability to concentrate onanything.
You are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto
your third rasher sandwich.
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than
you thought previously possible.
Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smokey/sweaty atmosphere given
you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on over
night or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding
Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and shave
whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door
when you discover that the money you got from the cashpoint to last you the week
is now missing from your wallet.
Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on
your coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby
team to curry and lagers at some point.
Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will have given the taxi
driver a 20 / 50 note by mistake.
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you
would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who
bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.
MADE OF GLASS
As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the
characteristics you hate in other people and your self-respect plummets.
Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you think
you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.
Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause from a
Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in
front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and insisting that you
drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as
"its the only thing that will make you feel better".
You are too stupid to know where to hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away
with it, too poor to buy Alka Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.
And then you'll go and do it all again that night!!!