This is taken from a book a friend of mine Ted Schredd wrote. Its kinda silly but worth a read
I was sitting thinking all about old Santa Clause the other day and started looking at numbers and other various stuff.
Let's start with some numbers here. There are what, 5 billion people in the world. To keep it simple
let's just say there are 1 billion households give or take a few million.
Now depending on where you live most people give Santa milk and cookies but some people leave
him a glass of sherry. Now I may not be a rocket scientist but don't you think would have to be a
little bulimic or do you think he actually eats the 1 billion+ cookies that are left out for him. Or you
try and drink a few million glasses of milk and tell me you wouldn't get a phlegm ball the size of
Miami out of that. He must be an alcoholic also. Even if it was only a million glasses of sherry don't
you think that's a bit much. Would he be sober enough to operate a dangerous vehicle? Or are you
saying because he is Santa its ok for him to be above the legal limit. Or maybe he just pukes it up
once he gets out the chimney. Speaking of chimneys you don't really think ol lard ass actually goes
down the chimney do you? He must also be a professional burglar to get past all those fancy alarms.
I was also alarmed at the sweat shop that makes the toys. Where do these little elves come from
anyway? And copyright infringement? Everybody has to pay Disney to use their logo why is Santa
so special? What about all the fake Santas at the mall or are you trying to tell me that he gets in his
damn sled and knows exactly where I am going and is able to appear there before I do without even
breaking a sweat. What about the reindeer? How come they don't have to pass any air safety tests?
That's an accident waiting to happen.
Let's sum up. Santa is a bulimic, alcoholic, slave driving, copyright infringing, lard ass now isn't he?
Regardless of his personality flaws which I am willing to forgive, just how fast can lard ass get
around anyways. If there are 24 time zones that he can legally deliver presents to that would mean
approximately 42 million per hour or about 700,000 per minute. Hmmm now you are probably
wondering how ole lard ass can move so fast when he is busy drinking, eating cookies or dancing
the bulimic waltz. Plus chimney time or getting past the alarms. Plus what about the way he flirts.
There is even a song about, "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" Hmmm? How do you explain all
that. Now I wouldn't want to say that I am a non believer I just know that "The truth is out there"
Maybe Fox and Mulder will be able to figure it out on the "X" mas files.