Tools and their REAL uses
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Thread: Tools and their REAL uses

  1. #1
    Ridin hard n dirty Array Mr.Sushi ya ha's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    3rd rock from the sun. po co.
    bunch "o" bikes

    Unhappy Tools and their REAL uses

    Tools and their REAL uses

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou shit...."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    Remembering Bill Mclean.
    Having had a colonoscopy......I have now seen where the sun don't shine......(Me)
    Cancer Sucks!!!

  2. #2
    Redrex Array fetdex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    in the country
    2000 KAW.ZRX1100
    World famous Crescent® adjustable wrench. These wrenches are made of fine alloy steel to give extra strength and wear.great when subsituted for a hammer. Used by professional mechanics,house wives and men that are tfn-lazy, industrial tradesmen and home mechanics. Dimensions are proportioned for greatest strength with minimum weight. A tension spring under knurl helps prevent jaw opening from changing adjustment also used most for stripping the shit out of everything. An open handle design permits easier knurl adjustment. Handle made of forged alloy steel and heat treated for toughness and durability,which basicly means when your mad as hell and want to chuck it into the neighbors yard the bitch still gets returned. Chrome or black phosphate finishes are available as indicated.

  3. #3
    The Philosopher King Array Frapps's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    North Vancouver
    83 RG250 Gamma//95Kawi ZX6
    The Rubber Mallet: The god sent of tools; when a problem seems insurmountable…get a larger hammer. This is where the large rubber mallet comes in

    Tape Measure: The thing used to retrieve bolts that have rolled under a table

    Angle Grinder: The fastest way to light that pail of oil and gas you left open in the corner of your garage on fire. This tool is fun to use and makes you look impressive as a mechanical individual

    Lock tight: This is a material that is often over looked because hey lets face it you’re an intelligent person right…you know you are going to have to unbolt this again anyway and lock tight will only make that stage more difficult

    Wire cutters: The fastest way to make sure that you won’t get electrocuted from the battery you were to lazy to disconnect

    WD40: This is another miracle cure all…when in doubt spray it with WD40…it will not only add 10hp to your car or bike it will add an extra inch on your Johnson. WD40 will cure cancer and world hunger, so make sure you use it…and a lot of it
    G.B. Shaw: We are made wise not by the recollection of our past but by the responsibility for our future
    Miguel Ruiz: Death is not the biggest fear we have our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and express what we really are

  4. #4
    African BCSB Rep. Array PitScar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Vancouver (formerly Kibaale, Uganda)
    Nothing :( SStolen DRZ400S. Previously 2007 Suzuki TF-125, DRZ350SE, and 81 KX125
    7 years of wrenching on cars, I laughed my way through that entire thing It never seems funny at the moment tho
    Stuck in Africa. Follow here or here.

    _f_,_ _f_,_
    (_)`(_) (_)`(_) Sweet I drew bikes.

  5. #5
    Registered User Array SpideRider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Fraser Valley
    I love every one of those!
    Cry in the dojo, laugh on the battlefield
    Sparring speed is a matter of simple physics:
    The height of your flight is inversely proportionate to the mass of your ass.

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