How to read Haynes Manual
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Thread: How to read Haynes Manual

  1. #1
    The Philosopher King Array Frapps's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    North Vancouver
    83 RG250 Gamma//95Kawi ZX6

    How to read Haynes Manual

    Haynes: Rotate anti-clockwise
    Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anti-clockwise

    Haynes: This is a snug fit
    Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

    Haynes: This is a tight fit
    Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start

    Haynes: Pry
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into

    Haynes: Undo
    Translation: Go buy a can of WD40 (giant economy size)

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring
    Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
    out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)

    Haynes: Lightly
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

    Haynes: Weekly checks
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it

    Haynes: Routine maintenance
    Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be! We warned you

    Haynes: One spanner rating
    Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to fcuk it up?

    Haynes: Two-spanner rating
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)

    Haynes: Three-spanner rating
    Translation: Make sure you won't need your bike for a couple of weeks

    Haynes: Four-spanner rating
    Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

    Haynes: Five-spanner rating
    Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones on it again

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this
    Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    Haynes: Compress
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some vice-grips and a hammer

    Haynes: Inspect
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought it's going to need a new one"

    Haynes: Carefully
    Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions

    Haynes: Retaining nuts
    Translation: Yes that’s it, those big round blobs of rust

    Haynes: Get an assistant
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
    Translation: Yeah, right But you swear in different places and you have more bits than you started with

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
    Translation: Snap off

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift
    Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat
    Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother Alternatively, clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do
    G.B. Shaw: We are made wise not by the recollection of our past but by the responsibility for our future
    Miguel Ruiz: Death is not the biggest fear we have our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and express what we really are

  2. #2
    Moderator Array Harps's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    A couple of Suzukis
    Just about bang on, I'd say.
    Maybe Mediocre
    BCSB - I hate you

  3. #3
    Crotch Rocket Scientist Array penumbra604's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    2001 Yamaha FZ1
    Funny!! I pay pros to work on my bike.
    2001 Black Yamaha FZ1

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