A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, butthen I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five HailMary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walkedover to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started toleave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I sawthat.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied "Yah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Uponentering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I havesinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionatelove to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemonsinto a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say thatbefore, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog forcompany.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priestand asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass forthe poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services foran animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane,and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do somethingfor the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 isenough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't yatell me the dog was Catholic?
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversationensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from apest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," theman replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, " Those little bastards!"