Dilbert style quotes (from actual managers)
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Thread: Dilbert style quotes (from actual managers)

  1. #1
    Swivel on it Array SkydiveSonic's Avatar
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    Aug 2006

    Dilbert style quotes (from actual managers)

    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes for corporate America, circa 2004:

    "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

    "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

    "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

    "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

    "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

    Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

    My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

    We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
    If you wanna say something, speak into the mic. It's right above my balls.

  2. #2
    Wanderer of the Wastes Array DNAspark99's Avatar
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    Apr 2002
    השטן שב
    damn this brings back painful memories... I can't recall any specific quotes from my old boss, but they weren't far off from some of these, he let lose some real doozies from time to time... but I tend to recall his actions more than words; like the time he fell asleep mid-sentance, dozed off for about 15 minutes, then came back to life and continued speaking from exactly where he left off... wtf... OR the time he pulled me and a fellow co-worker out into the middle of the parking lot, looked around nervously, covered his mouth ala 'casino', and started telling us how he suspected some major corporations were bugging his cellphone, intercepting his email, and generaly gathering intelligence on him (which was ironic, since there wasn't much to spare!)... it then turned into a mad rush downtown in his car, nervously watching his rearview as he executed several dangerous manouvers to 'lose' any tails... then straight to the datacenter to dump a few critical database entries to CD, then take it directly to a safe deposit box incase anything 'happened' to him, and then to his lawyer so that if such an event were to transpire, we'd all know what had 'really' happened and could take appropriate legal action and expose it all to the public...

    yea, in hindsight, he was a few cans short of a six pack
    "I dread beyond all else the growth of the petty tyranny of restrictive legislation, the transference of disciplinary authority from the judiciary to the constabulary, the abandonment of every constitutional safeguard of individual liberty."

  3. #3
    That new bike smell Array mondocycle's Avatar
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    Jul 2003
    We had a guy who thought he was being spied on at an old work site. People started planting random pieces of circuit board with batteries by his locker, work station, etc. for him to find. The poor guy's cheese finally slipped off his cracker.
    Log off and ride.
    Acta Virum Probant

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