A few random ones
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Thread: A few random ones

  1. #1
    Swivel on it Array SkydiveSonic's Avatar
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    Aug 2006

    A few random ones

    Robert wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. Robert is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Robert had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

    And, next to them, a single red rose!

    Robert sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
    Love, Nancy '

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Robert asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'

    'Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

    Confused he asked his son, 'So, why aren't I in the doghouse?. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

    His son replies, 'Oh that... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm

    A man started his new job at the zoo and was given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumped
    out and bit him. To show who is boss, he beat it to death with a spade. Realising his employer wouldn't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
    feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps
    with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the
    lion enclosure.

    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs
    the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives and is put into the enclosure at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says 'Hey, how ya doing? What's the
    food like here?'

    The lions say: 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.'

    Due to a power outage and heavy demand on their services, only one paramedic responded to the call-out to an imminent birth.

    The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight so he could see while he helped
    deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. After a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet
    and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

    The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

    Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his arse again


    Secret of a happy marriage:

    A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk
    of the town.

    A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

    Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of
    the canyon by horse.

    We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

    My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

    We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water bottle.

    My wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

    We hadn't gone another half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.

    My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

    I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?'

    She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

    'And from that moment we have lived happily ever after'.


    Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees
    that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies, ' Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.'

    The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh, no! not Bubba; he's an idiot!'

    Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?'

    'Denise,' the doctor answers.

    The new mother thinks, 'Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.'

    Then she asks the doctor, 'What's the boy's name?'

    The doctor replies, 'Denephew.'


    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
    cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

    'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

    'That little runt, O'Conner?' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

    'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

    'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'

    'That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was too, but useless in a fight.'
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night. His car is weaving violently all over the road.

    A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'

    'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
    'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

    'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

    'Did you know,' says the cop, 'That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

    'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

    He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

    She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

    The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

    She says, 'That he did, Father..'

    The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

    She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...''

    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
    but the drunk just sits there.

    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either'.
    If you wanna say something, speak into the mic. It's right above my balls.

  2. #2
    Registered User Array SpideRider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Fraser Valley
    Not too shabby.
    Cry in the dojo, laugh on the battlefield
    Sparring speed is a matter of simple physics:
    The height of your flight is inversely proportionate to the mass of your ass.

  3. #3
    Registered User Array cyclestarter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Blue Sport Tourer
    Thanks for saving the best one for last.
    I love the sound of an idling bike early in the morning

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