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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is taken from a book a friend of mine Ted Schredd wrote. Its kinda silly but worth a read

I was sitting thinking all about old Santa Clause the other day and started looking at numbers and other various stuff.

Let's start with some numbers here. There are what, 5 billion people in the world. To keep it simple
let's just say there are 1 billion households give or take a few million.

Now depending on where you live most people give Santa milk and cookies but some people leave
him a glass of sherry. Now I may not be a rocket scientist but don't you think would have to be a
little bulimic or do you think he actually eats the 1 billion+ cookies that are left out for him. Or you
try and drink a few million glasses of milk and tell me you wouldn't get a phlegm ball the size of
Miami out of that. He must be an alcoholic also. Even if it was only a million glasses of sherry don't
you think that's a bit much. Would he be sober enough to operate a dangerous vehicle? Or are you
saying because he is Santa its ok for him to be above the legal limit. Or maybe he just pukes it up
once he gets out the chimney. Speaking of chimneys you don't really think ol lard ass actually goes
down the chimney do you? He must also be a professional burglar to get past all those fancy alarms.

I was also alarmed at the sweat shop that makes the toys. Where do these little elves come from
anyway? And copyright infringement? Everybody has to pay Disney to use their logo why is Santa
so special? What about all the fake Santas at the mall or are you trying to tell me that he gets in his
damn sled and knows exactly where I am going and is able to appear there before I do without even
breaking a sweat. What about the reindeer? How come they don't have to pass any air safety tests?
That's an accident waiting to happen.

Let's sum up. Santa is a bulimic, alcoholic, slave driving, copyright infringing, lard ass now isn't he?

Regardless of his personality flaws which I am willing to forgive, just how fast can lard ass get
around anyways. If there are 24 time zones that he can legally deliver presents to that would mean
approximately 42 million per hour or about 700,000 per minute. Hmmm now you are probably
wondering how ole lard ass can move so fast when he is busy drinking, eating cookies or dancing
the bulimic waltz. Plus chimney time or getting past the alarms. Plus what about the way he flirts.
There is even a song about, "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" Hmmm? How do you explain all
that. Now I wouldn't want to say that I am a non believer I just know that "The truth is out there"
Maybe Fox and Mulder will be able to figure it out on the "X" mas files.

Eh Muh Gawd Becky!!
6,648 Posts
not everyone celebrates Xmas!! he does, however, drive a red (duhhh) CBR600 F4i. he was caught on video on it giving out candy kanes and gropping small children. he's a pervert too!!

2,496 Posts
Excluding all the people that don't celebrate Christmas, and the numbers are all different.
Probably less than a billion people, so 250,000 million households......????

Newbie Poser Squid
2,709 Posts
Here you go:

BlueST2 said:
Although this is a repost from the previous year I think it's one of the funniest things I've read regarding the Christmas season. For all you newbies, enjoy; for all the older members, it may be worth a second read.


Santa Claus-An Engineers Perspective...

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions,this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population Reference Bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3000 times the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (1 kg), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 150 kg.

Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need
360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 120 kg Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas.

11,614 Posts
Ted Shredd is a funny dude. I remember him from Z95.3.

Twin A
8,019 Posts
weird I know that schredd guy too.
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