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Three hour tour guide
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8,750 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
No, not some of the members here, but shop tools.

Shamelessly stolen from another forum.

Home mechanics advice sheet

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICEGRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a bike to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the exhaust.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need

The home mechanics life is not a happy one
 

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just having fun
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4,007 Posts
measure once, cut twice. been there, done that. the last tool is very familiar to me. how about the rest of the tools that are used for misplacing so that you can turn 2 min job into 1 hr of looking for them.
 

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Dam I got old fast
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1,027 Posts
When Your a push on a crew and the dam employee's do this shit on a daily basis to misuse company tools and equipment, it is somehow satisfying to watch them drip blood when the tool's wins.

Very appropriate and a copy should be posted next to every Tool Crib.
 

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Registered Luser
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2,115 Posts
how about the rest of the tools that are used for misplacing so that you can turn 2 min job into 1 hr of looking for them.
haha, I have lots of those. I use random walking patterns combined with staring at the same spot 50 times to make them rematerialize.
 

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From N00bie to Wannabe
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4,839 Posts
I am so pleased to read everyone's posts! I thought it was just me!
 

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Registered
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325 Posts
measure twice, fuck up the math once, cut once, curse as needed.

or from my fellow apprentice's work day today:

PIPE WRENCH: device to properly store tensile forces that, upon release when least expected, help drive the user's elbow into the nearest solid object directly behind the elbow.
 

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corner worker
Joined
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1,024 Posts
The DIY helper
Knows what a flat head screw driver is, but still hands you a Phillips.
Takes so long to get the tool, you could have gotten out from under the what ever, had coffee, grabbed the right tool and did the job.
Always moves the pry bar the wrong way.
Best you hit the chisel with the hammer.
Knows when to call emergency to let them know in a few short minutes you will be on your way there.
Just wrap your hand in a oil soaked rag and drive yourself to the hospital, trust me, its faster!
 
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